There are a group of people in this world who are both conflicted by their iniquitous entitlement, and pragmatic. We realize that we work at jobs we are underqualified for where the only qualifications are being white and Microsoft Word skills. We realize that our reluctant, but eventual filling of these positions is unequivocally not due to merit, and that they would be much more happily and aptly filled by people who aren't working merely because they've been cut off from their parents.
We are also cognizant of the fact that if we don't sit on our spinny-wheeled-chairs of capital punishment, they'd undoubtedly become occupied by our peers, equal to us in ignorance and incapacitation, but who would actually enjoy the meaningless too-ing and fro-ing to the beat of a drum of a boss you wouldn't let teach a retarded kid how to tie his shoes outside of the corporate bubble.
Seeming to know what acronyms stand for is really important. If you don't have an answer, use an acronym. At work the other day I had a moment of self-reflection (which sounds profound, but it's not; I'm just calling masturbation self-reflection now). We white folk may be taking advantage of our melanin, or last names, or girls who I've convinced I'm a film director (which actually has nothing to do with this), but understanding that the system is impenetrable through idealism, we can reduce our ambivalence at some level by collecting wages while avoiding work entirely. It's time we embrace our insurgence and reveal the techniques to our clandestine recalcitrance. Now to find someone to translate the last sentence I just typed…
Here's how we maintain our seats in the big machine without doing anything:
Luckily work gave me plenty of time for this.
1. Always use "it's probable that" instead of "probably."
"Probably" makes you sound like an annoying teenage girl; "it's probable that" makes you sound like an annoying college girl.
2. Too much information is always the right amount of information.
Rapid, intermittent trips to the bathroom after complaining about the spicy Szechuan food you ate last night is always okay. What is your boss honestly going to say: "Sherry, we've been trying to flush out some of the issues at the office. Can we sit you down, swirl you around in the chair, and ask a few questions about your bowel movements?" No, that wouldn't happen because that would mean your boss was paying too much attention to your ass. And that's sexual harassment. Put my picture up on Nancy Grace if I'm standing idly by while that behavior is tolerated. Rosa Parks would roll over in the back of her goddamn grave.
3. Your technological competency is based entirely on the speed at which you can type your sign-in information when logging in.
Only really important work veterans would have had to sign in so many times (I mean veterans at a workplace, not working veterans, as they don't exist).
4. Keep your name out of the "To:" email line and in the "CC:" line.
I get around 50 emails every day and I answer about 3 or 4. However, because I'm always CC'd, people think that I'm actively involved in just about everything that goes on here. I know what you're thinking: which came first, the CC or the involvement, but, as I've said, I get up to 47 CC emails a day and writing this is probably (it is most probable) the most productive thing I'll do this week, unless you count the story I made up in my head about the guy who pitched the first cell phone cover ("We're going to take…its…face…off").
5. (Running to the bathroom because of that spicy Szechuan place.)
6. Acronyms are really important. What acronyms stand for isn't really important.
Nobody knows what they mean. Seriously, ask someone; nobody has a clue. After a while, people will even start pronouncing the acronyms as if they're actual words. "We really need to get those ab-guhs done" (ABGs). "Sir, do you still have aids?" (AIDs). However, seeming to know what acronyms stand for is actually really important. So if you don't have an answer, use an acronym. Nobody wants to be the guy who has to have HFATs explained to him, even if it does just mean Hundreds, Fitties, Ass, and Titties.
7. The customer is always right-wing extremist.
Nobody likes customers, but they're a necessary evil; otherwise you'd just have a bunch of stuff piled up that nobody cares about like it was any kid in Africa that didn't win the Pitt-Jolie lottery. So, let's say you delivered your meal or product a little late and are receiving some flak. Maybe the customer began the conversation asking about your weekend. However, you weren't listening too closely and he just as easily could have said, "I bet you'd wear that bracelet, faggot!" which in itself isn't frowned upon in the workplace yet, but your mom gave you that bracelet. And she passed away. In a hurricane. Caused by gay marriage.
8. Getting up suddenly and hurriedly walking around the office as if you're trying to find someone always buys you 10 minutes and a stop at the coffee machine.
You can't help that the person you aren't looking for isn't making himself available. Yes, that stresses you out. Yes, you'll need a cup of Joe to ease the stress of having to chase down colleagues at the office. No, don't complain that there's only sucralose and not pure cane sugar, you pretentious douche.
9. Nobody cares if someone is on the other line, just pick up the phone.
I was in an hour and a half teleconference meeting the other day and I realized that I had not said a single word in over 30 minutes. At any time of the day, I could be sitting on my phone with nobody else on the other line without anybody questioning my work ethic or sanity. So if you need to look busy, just pick up the receiver, even if there's nobody on the line. You may find you enjoy it and could become a survey conductor for virtually any company ever.
10. Nobody really knows anything.
Whenever you ask a question, it will always be deferred to someone else. So, you don't really need to know anything, either. Just refer that person to somebody more qualified than you. This is part of the reason the CC strategy is so effective. I haven't really figured out how anything gets accomplished, considering nobody really knows anything because I don't know anything, just like everyone else. Information just shoots out of God's vagina or something (figuratively, not to be confused with the actual process for information transmission used at Fox News).