>>> Text-Heavy
By staff writer E.E. Southerby
Volume 26 – April 6, 2003

Now Playing: “I Can't Take My Eyes Off You” by Melanie Doane

So ends another fun-filled school year. This year was great, but I'm kind of glad it's wrapping up. There's only so much of me that my friends here can stand, and I'm sure they'll be very relieved to know that I'll be out of their lives for four months. Anyway, here's what happened:

-Why do people go to sleep with their music on? I never know if I'm waking someone up by knocking on their door since they have music playing at all times. Then, when I do wake someone up I feel really bad about it. I guess it doesn't help that I'm knocking at 4:00am on a school night, and that I really don't have anything to say.

-Fine Arts students like me have a lot of time to sit around and ponder. For example: Is there a possibility that people on Death Row play hangman to pass the time? Also, do you think there's anyone out there who's addicted to cold turkey? How would they quit? Ponder, ponder, ponder.

-The last day of class was a particularly nice day, with the sun shining and birds chirping. We celebrated the last day of classes the other day in what I believe to be the traditional way to celebrate the last day of class: Not going to class.

-It's gotten to the point where nearly everybody I know is out of food points, and nobody has any money left to buy more. Even if they did, the office where you'd go to buy food points is closed on weekends, so the only alternatives left are to steal food from the cafeteria or starve. You'd be amazed how quickly your morals get thrown in the toilet when you're hungry. So this is what my post-secondary education has gotten me into, a life of crime.

-There are still some people (mostly ugly people) whose names I can't remember. The worst is when you talk to someone every day for an entire semester, but neither of you know each other's names, so you develop this weird symbiotic relationship wherein you both always call each other “Hey there!” and you avoid getting into situations where you might have to introduce each other to a third party. A girl at lunch actually cornered me and said “You don't know my name, do you? It's ok, because I don't know yours either.” I was like “Do you mind? I'm trying to steal a bagel here.”

-The last day of school is supposed to be the rowdiest day of the year, because in theory everybody is so relieved to be able to stop learning that they go out and drink massive amounts of alcohol and then destroy school property. We decided to take a more sedate route and burn 50 phone books by the beach. I don't know why, it just seemed like the thing to do. I mean, standing around outside in the cold all night lighting telephone books on fire is definitely more fun than going to a party. What can I say, we're a wild and crazy bunch.

-The actual rowdiest day of the year, in my opinion, was not the last day, but rather the day before that. That's because a few geniuses decided to have a food fight. To keep the operation covert, these geniuses decided to tell everyone they saw, and therefore everybody sat at the perimeter of the cafeteria, with a big empty space in the middle. Pretty soon, people are going back to the food line for six helpings of lasagna and pudding, and the savvy cafeteria employees (Official Motto: “Where the Mensa Members of Tomorrow Cook Disgusting Food Today”) caught on to what was going on. Pretty soon there was Campus Security swarming the dining hall, RAs were being called in left and right to block the exits, and the cafeteria was essentially shut down. I was fully expecting the University SWAT Team to descend from the ceilings with submachine guns. Guys, relax. It's a food fight. We're not on the set of “Phone Booth” here.

-Quote of the Moment: My friend Casey, directed towards me, after hearing about the food fight that was to transpire that night: “Emmanuel, wear shitty clothing. Once the food fight starts I can't be responsible for my actions.” Who the hell do you think you are? The Incredible Hulk? Mr. Hyde? Get over yourself.

-End of Year Wrap-Up: Amount of sleep, on average, on a school night: 2.6 hours. Amount of sleep, on average, on a weekend: 18.7 hours. Average bedtime: 4:50am. Drinking nights: Wednesday through Saturday. Number of beers consumed, on average, before being drunk in September: 4.5. Number of beers consumed, on average, before being drunk in April: 8.1. Number of times I threw up from drinking too much: 1. Number of times I went to a dance club to pick up girls: 79. Number of times I was successful: 4. Number of these girls whose names I can remember: 2. Number of times I spoke to any of these girls after the night we hooked up: 0. Number ofclasses I missed: 26. Number of classes I missed with a valid reason: 1. Number of textbooks I purchased: 15. Number of textbooks I opened: 2. Number of times I promised I would not save my term paper until the night before it was due: 6. Number of times I followed my own advice: 0. Amount of money I spent on beer, for myself and other people: >$500. Number of beers I'm owed by other people: Over 100. If these statistics seem boring to you, imagine how bored I must have been to compile them. To all college students reading this: Have a great summer.