I know it's late in the week, but after this past weekend I barely have the brain cells to form a complete sentence. My friends and I have a yearly camping trip we take up to Lake George to celebrate "Log Bay Day." This unadulterated boozefest happens every year on the last Monday of July. Tons of people, both from Lake George and not, dock their boats in this particular bay, and basically light the lake on fire. After college I thought I missed out on my chance to go to an "MTV Spring Break" type of party, but I was completely mistaken. LBD is like an MTV party after it snorted an 8 ball, and inhaled a boatload of meth. Everyone acts like an absolute savage.

If dude boobs and violence aren't your thing, there are plenty of girls who appreciate persuasive salesmanship.At the center of the boats are the chicken fights. These aren't quite the same ones you used to have at your grandparents above ground pool. These chicken fights are vicious, degrading, and best of all, topless. They don't start out topless, but there's enough pulling, tugging and biting to snatch a top off faster than I blow a load without a condom on. If the pulling or ripping from the other fighter doesn't get the top off, there are plenty of creepy toothless gentlemen who will happily untie the back of the girls' bathing suits during the mayhem. Sexual assault doesn't exist at Log Bay Day. Heaven must be like this. My friends and I crowded around doing keg stands, stealing other people's beers and joining in on the chants.

Log Bay Day 2009

Out of nowhere, a 250-pound woman of solid granite made her way onto a frail boy's shoulders. I swear to god, I saw his collar bone snap like a wish bone. (Quick, someone make a wish…. I wish this bitch would evaporate into thin air. Shit, no such luck.) Anyway, this giant wildebeest and her now whimpering partner made their way towards the circle. Instead of pulling and pushing like the rest of the respectable ladies, this giant creature of the sea started unleashing some of the most intense haymakers I've ever seen in my life. She was literally blasting anyone and everyone who came across her path.

MoobiesThis was horrifically pleasing, but what happened next was the absolute worst thing I've ever seen. One of the creepy cousin fuckers decided he needed a glimpse of this Tony Siragusa look-a-like's tits. He pulled her top off and out came the hairiest man boobs in the WORLD! Every cock in that lake gophered right back into its owner's body. I stood there in shock and quietly wept.

If dude boobs and violence aren't your thing, there are plenty of girls who appreciate persuasive salesmanship. "SHOW YOUR FUCKING TITS" usually seals the deal. It's really quite an amazing confluence of breasts. However, there are exceptions. My friend Spec and I (we call him this because he looks like a nerdy specimen), were swimming back to our boat when we saw her. She was a flabby 50-plus-year-old woman who had the muscle definition of a wheelchair-bound vegetable, and the neck of the Loch Ness Monster. She was apparently dancing, but it really looked like Michael J. Fox suffering from an aneurysm.

Some stick dick behind Spec and I decided it would be funny to yell, "Show us your tits, hottie!!" She readily agreed and uncorked the most heartbreaking breasts of all time. The bumps covering her areola made them look like fucking cow udders. As if predetermined, we both screamed, "Grossest tits EVER!" To our surprise, her husband, who was standing right next to her, started laughing uncontrollably. This didn't sit well with Milky the Cow, and she quickly disappeared into her boat's cabin, likely to eat a Thanksgiving sandwich or six.

Log Bay Day usually winds down as the sun lowers, and people retreat to their respective homes. We rented a huge campsite on a secluded island for the weekend, so our party was just beginning. Come back next week to read what happens when a group of ravenous males get stuck in the woods and left to their own devices. Here's a hint: it gets gay.

Continue to Debauchery Rules Log Bay Day, Part 2 »

Note: This is not my video, but the shots of the crowd will give you a decent idea of the clusterfuck of debauchery that occurs. Videos were taken by my friends and I, but somehow got lost amidst the blackout. I will do my best to find and post them.