The following is an actual email I received from Edy's Ice Cream in response to my letter of complaint about their smaller carton size for the same price. Then after that, my scathing reply.

Dear Mr. Marine,

My name is Tim Kahn and I'm the Chief Executive Officer (translation: head ice cream guy) of Dreyer's Grand Ice Cream. Thank you for taking the time to contact our company about our new 1.5 quart carton.

I can understand why you may not be pleased with us right now. Our new carton is smaller and no one wants less for the same money.

Since the buck stops with me, let me tell you why we made the difficult decision to change the size of our carton. The cost of all dairy products has increased enormously over the past few years, as have the costs of the sweeteners, nuts, fruits and energy used to make our ice cream. Our ingredient costs have risen by 30 to 60% over this time, but the average price of ice cream has not really changed much.

We looked at raising our prices to cover these costs, but at some point, it just doesn't make sense to raise prices too high. I suspect very few families would want to pay $7 or $8 for a carton of ice cream. So as you know, we opted to drop the size of our carton from 1.75 quarts to 1.5 quarts.

Dreyer's has been making ice cream since 1928. We hope we've earned your trust over the years. Thank you for being so passionate about our ice cream and for taking the time to contact us. We hope you'll continue to invite our products into your home.

Sincerely,
Tim Kahn
Chief Executive Officer
Dreyer's Grand Ice Cream


Dear Tim Kahn or whoever the fuck wrote this standard email you're sending to people who complain about how fucking cheap and shitty of a company you are,

I don't believe for one second that you actually wrote this email back to me you brazen piece of shit, but I'll play your game for a moment you rogue. I think there has been a serious miscommunication here because it is very clear you did not understand what the fuck I said in my first letter. You reduced the size of my French Silk Ice Cream by .25 quarts and that is just not fucking acceptable. Let me try and help you understand why you're going to fix my fucking French Silk Ice Cream cartons STAT, you disingenuous fuck.

First off, you are not the "head ice cream guy" you stupid fucking idiot-in fact, I'm willingly to bet you don't have anything to do with the actual making of the ice cream at all. I've seen your picture you fucking tie-wearing pencil pusher. I wrote this email to Edy's, who makes the fucking ice cream that I eat, and I get an email back from the CEO of the company that owns Edy's that was recently bought out by Nestle and produces Hagan-Daz under a sublicense that originated out of this partnership? Are you fucking kidding me? When did the world get so fucking complicated that there are twelve steps in the chain of command for me to complain about how fucking cheap it is of you to make the carton smaller? I know that this is what capitalism is all about and good for you for doing so well for yourself, a $1.6 billion company that makes motherfucking ice cream, but don't fucking sit there and write me an email and call yourself "head ice cream guy" or even act like you've been within fifty feet of a cow anytime in the last decade.

Second, the buck most certainly does not stop with you, the bucking doesn't stop until I get off your mother, you fucking price gouger. The price of dairy products has increased over the past few years? Oh really, well guess what? I eat dairy products too, you ignorant fuck. Sweeteners, nuts, and fruits are all a part of my diet, you Ivy League snob, and guess what else costs more? The gas to go buy your fucking cream, you greedy desert tycoon.

Most families don't want to pay $7 or $8 for a carton, so instead of raising the prices you reduce the size? You underhanded fucks won't even be straight up about being cheap Jewish Shylocks with your fucking ice cream? You are a despicable piece of shit and I hope you know that.

No one wants less for more money you say? Did this epiphany just strike you? Or did you wake up in the middle of the night recently with the sudden understanding that charging more for less is fucking bullshit?

I want you to understand something here and now Timothy Kahn: you are a merciless cream baron who can't even take the time to write his own emails back to the loyal customers who have been sucking down his cream "since 1928." And what the fuck is that bullshit? Like you were doing anything of note in the 19-motherfucking-20's. What would one day make up your body was probably a cluster of protein cells in a stick of celery, you goddamn idiot. Ever take biology at the Amos Tuck School of Business where you supposedly graduated from? Amos Tuck? Can anybody say "degree mill"? I bet Amos did some tucking all right-in fact,  I bet he tucked the shit out of you.

Here's the bad news you dumbass: your main competitor, Breyers, just came out  with their own version of French Silk called Mocha Silk, and guess what? Their cartons are regular fucking sized. What a fucking concept. That's another beautiful aspect of this wildebeest of an economy we call capitalist society: competition ensures quality.

Enjoy selling your substandard, overpriced cream you tucking bastard. 

Regards,
MarinetheAss

See new PIC posts via Twitter, Facebook, or email.

Sign up for comedy writing or stand-up classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.