>>> Bang for Your Buck
By staff writer David Nelson
September 17, 2006


Essential New Word of the Week: Aeschylus & Urethror (definition hint: left and right)

It’s not like you didn’t already know this, but you should be having sex every chance you get. In fact, thanks to advances in mobile technology, there’s a very good chance you’re having sex as you read this, getting your weekly fill of comedy with a Blackberry in one hand, and keeping your partner’s ass cheeks spread with the other. If this is the case, I salute you, both for your good taste in comedy, and for your impressive co-ordination.

A sex-at-all-costs philosophy might seem kind of unnecessary, unless the shuttlecraft you were piloting has just crashed on a remote planet, and only five men and women have survived. If this has ever happened to you, then you’ll know how important it is to have children as soon as possible, to help with the ploughing and all. Also, there’s not going to be much to do until you can fashion a crude Nintendo out of sticks and rocks.

But even in a non-survival situation, you’d be wise to spend as much time in flagrante delicto as possible. As usual, there are uptight assholes out there who want to spoil your fun with a horrifying concept called abstinence. And I’m starting to worry that they might prevail. No doubt they’re bitter over losing on issues like the theory of evolution and segregated drinking fountains. What if they find a way to enforce abstinence? My penis doesn’t have a back-up plan.

“If you’re ugly and you espouse abstinence, it simply looks like you’re using religion as a pretext for why you don’t get laid.”

For some inexplicable reason, the abstinence movement is thriving. Politicians are very supportive of not sticking one’s dong into unknown, possibly hostile orifices. If these politicians are serious, given my success rate with women over the past six months, the UN should be hosting some sort of gala in my honor.

It’s not hard to figure out why politicians would support abstinence. Unwanted pregnancies and STDs are a big drain on the healthcare system, and more importantly, politicians are mostly androgynous sasquatches for whom sex hasn’t even been possible for many years.

Despite what I hear at the best pro-abstinence rallies, I can’t believe that anyone makes that choice for medical reasons. These days, with our futuristic jellies and latex cock-shields, it’s not like we’re sending our genitals to the front lines of a war zone every time we feel like hopping in the sack. So, why do so many misguided kids make public vows of chastity until marriage? The most popular answer: survey says… God!

These religious types are clearly insane, but a small part of me kind of hopes they’re right. It would be so cool to find out that God has a team of invisible agents watching me from the sky while I’m copulating and recording it into some cosmic Naughty/Nice database.

I decided I would try to get to the bottom of this issue by doing a bit of online research. Normally, the internet is a haven for all kinds of things that would terrify pro-abstinence people. However, it could be argued that masturbating to donkey porn is a form of abstinence unto itself. Come to think of it, so is the actual donkey sex, as long as you limit yourself to merely rubbing against the donkey. In any case, I learned that the abstinence movement has established a strong presence on the web, cutting into the “Hey, let’s fuck!” movement’s significant lead.

I nervously clicked on the first link that would try to neuter me. The welcome screen promised me that resisting the temptations of intercourse may be difficult, but with the help of their magic website, I was guaranteed to have a lot of fun. Now, I’ve learned to distrust most websites ever since I ordered those male enhancement pills, but I gamely proceeded with a closed crotch and an open mind.

Right off the bat, the abstinence people wanted to debunk a few abstinence myths:

Myth Number 1: Abstinent couples are timid, unworldly, or “not with it.”
Fact:
With our help, you'll know as much if not more than those in the so-called “in crowd” and what's more, you'll be immune from the risks of unwanted pregnancy or the horrors of STDS.

Actually, I’ve never met an “abstinent couple,” so like leprechauns, aliens, and Mongolians, I can’t be sure if they really exist. Nevertheless, it sounds like a thorough perusal of the website is roughly equivalent to a university education or an extended journey of self-discovery. So take that, “in crowd”!

Myth Number 2: Abstinent couples are cold, uninteresting and unattractive people for whom celibacy is not so much a choice as it is a cruel fact of life.
Fact:
As you'll see, abstinent couples are some of the hottest and most adventurous people on the planet!

Let’s face it: if you’re ugly and you espouse abstinence, it simply looks like you’re using religion as a pretext for why you don’t get laid. And that would be a tidy little solution, except for the fact that there really are many hot abstainers. No, seriously. I’m at a loss to figure this out. If you’re sexy, choosing abstinence is like a slap in the face to everyone around you. Guys like to believe we at least have a shot with every girl we encounter, and that includes nuns. We don’t like finding out that you’ve chosen some douche named Jesus over us.

And just in case these busted myths don’t convince you to give up sex, the site promises to send over a talented hooker who will quote relevant bible verses while giving you a hummer. Well, maybe not, but many sites provide helpful lists of alternatives to a normal adolescence:

1. Go out to a movie or watch TV! Order some pizza and have a pizza party!

2. Engage in wholesome sports activities or play board games like checkers, chess or Monopoly!

3. Vigorously rub your face, body and genitalia against those of your partner until climax.

As much fun as a pizza-filled night of Monopoly might sound, try to contain yourselves: Even the best deep-dish pie in the world can’t give you that satisfied glow, and what’s more, you still won’t have access to your girl’s community chest.

Option 3 sounds interesting, though. I didn’t think it was medically possible to achieve orgasm by rubbing your face against your partner, but I’m sure as hell willing to try. And thanks for trying to make a concession and all, but let’s be honest. Sex without penetration is like Mexican food without delicious salsa. Even with the rubbing, abstinence won’t be so palatable to me when I’m treating the fabric burns on my forehead.

Some of these sites even offer keepsakes that will allow you to celebrate your decision to have permanent blue-balls. For the low price of $329, for example, you can own a Rugged Cross Purity Ring that will help your teenage son or daughter keep his or her promise of abstinence. Not literally; they’re only 10.5 mm wide, so they can’t be worn around the waist as chastity belts. Alarmingly, these purity rings may take 4-6 weeks to ship, and if any teenager can hold out that long, he probably doesn’t need help from jewellery.

In the interest of immersive journalism, I decided to plunge headlong into the wacky world of chastity. I downloaded and printed out something called a Purity Pledge ™ (PDF file). In hindsight, it may not have been the best idea to do this at work, where the printer is communal. On the upside, the rumors now floating around the office will probably just make it easier to stick to this wholesome lifestyle.

Here’s how the Pledge reads:

Because I want the best, the best for me, my family and my friends, I pledge myself to live a chaste lifestyle. This includes sexual abstinence until marriage, abstaining from drugs and alcohol, and refraining from using language and watching movies that are unpleasing to God. I understand that living a chaste lifestyle is a daily commitment, but that with God’s help I can make this commitment to respect myself and make good decisions for my future. By committing to a chaste lifestyle, I am asking my family and my friends to respect me as an individual and the decision I make. I know that there may be times I may fail, through God’s forgiveness and grace I will start again.

Hang on a minute! A chaste lifestyle includes abstinence from drugs and alcohol?! That’s how I was planning to keep myself distracted. And I also have to give up swearing and good movies? That’s totally unreasonable. With all the genocide in the world, is God very likely to mind if I say “ball-sack” now and then?

Maybe there’s some room for negotiation. I’m willing to give up oral sex, hard liquor, and the word “ass,” but in exchange, I want unlimited access to hand jobs, beer, and the Die Hard series. That said, I do like the last line of the pledge. It sounds like a loophole I can exploit. Suffice it to say, I’m willing to fail at my chastity attempt, over and over if need be, until I get it right.

After thinking long and hard (then soft, then long and hard again), I decided not to sign the Purity Pledge. I’ve seen firsthand what this warped philosophy can do to a person. In university, I dated a Catholic girl who was so damaged, I’m thinking of devoting an entire article to how unhealthy our relationship was.

I always thought dating Catholic girls would be heaven… they can do whatever you want them to, and just confess away their sins the next day. It’s the moral equivalent of cleaning the lint out of your dryer. This was not the case, though. The clergy’s best brainwashing techniques were at work, and they had their hooks in deep. I doubt if this girl would have spread for the Pope himself.

We kept ourselves busy with a number of other activities. When you take penetration out of the equation, you’re free to introduce a lot of wild and kinky shit, which is why I stuck around. It might sound rewarding, but something I said in a previous article still rings true: Peripheral sex is a lot like cake frosting. It can be a delicious treat, but not fortifying enough to live off of.

As a result, this girl is now 30, still living at home, and no closer to getting married than Richard Simmons. What she fails to understand is, by waiting until marriage to have sex, she drives away any rational man that might ever want to marry her. When the time finally comes, she’ll be so bad at it that her husband-to-be might just have legitimate grounds for divorce. I’m going to pray for that poor guy.

Sex is a fun, natural, and fulfilling part of life. Particularly sex with me. Now, if some kids truly believe that waiting until marriage will get them into heaven, they have every right to waste their best years. But any politician, lobby group, or so-called moral authority that tries to push abstinence onto others is wrong, not to mention dangerous.

So, if ever you’re tempted to pack it in and declare your groin off-limits, remember my words. You can’t spell “abstain” without “stain”. Think about it.

Essential New Word of the Week:
Aeschylus & Urethror (‘iski lUs & yu’ri? ror) n: My apartment’s not too big. I don’t have a couch, so I put my TV next to my bed. Upon seeing this arrangement, a friend of mine remarked how much it appeared like some kind of hedonistic Roman setup, where I could recline and take my entertainment whilst being fed honeyed figs from my servants. Escalating the joke, he even invented names for these fictional servants, settling on Aeschylus and Urethror, the most Latin-sounding words he could come up with (Urethror? I know). Now, since I have no actual servants that I know of, A & U came to mean nothing more than one’s hands, as hands are servants of a sort. They can wash, feed, and caress—everything a servant does. It’s a fairly demented gag, but I’ve learned it’s just better to go along with these things.

See new PIC posts via Twitter or Facebook.

Sign up for satire writing or improv classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.