>>> Balls to the Wall
By staff writer Dan Opp
November 16, 2005

Some find salvation while incarcerated in hopes of getting early parole. Others strive to achieve a higher understanding with mind altering drugs. I found enlightenment at a high school keg party in my friend’s backyard. My eyes were opened to the world of beer pong, and I was forever changed.

To say I immediately liked the game would be a blasphemous understatement. From the very first sudsy splash, I was inspired like never before. Since that fateful night, my initial attraction to the game of beer pong has evolved into unconditional devotion. It is my default weekend activity, my faithful companion. When the night’s party scene is barren, beer pong is an oasis of fun. All beer pong asks for in return is a commitment to it and to oneself. That, my friends, is why I come before you today. I want each and every one of you to be the best, most well-rounded beer pong player you can be. All you have to do is follow these simple steps and you too can achieve beer pong enlightenment.

“Shoot using the thumb and middle/index finger, as if you’re giving a chick the beetle clip, only her ass and twat are opposite points on a ping pong ball.”

ARC YOUR SHOT. If you’re looking to elevate your game to a higher level, I can’t stress this enough. Just like in basketball, the steeper the ball’s angle of approach to the cups, the greater the likelihood it will wind up nestling softly into your opponent’s beer. This is a closely-guarded principle of the enlightened beer pong player, and a homework problem to a physics major.

SHOOT WITH TWO FINGERS. This isn’t as essential as the previous tip, but it is important nonetheless. Think of it this way: every finger you place on the ball has a chance to fuck up your shot. If you pull one finger away a split-second too late, your shot will end up sailing farther off-course than Christopher Columbus. The only difference is you’ll receive heckling and embarrassment instead of bountiful wealth and everlasting fame. I recommend using the thumb and either the middle or index finger, as if you’re giving a chick the beetle clip, only her ass and twat are opposite points on a ping pong ball.

AIM FOR A SPECIFIC CUP. There’s almost no way to tell you this without coming across as condescending, but I’m consistently amazed at how many people just heave the ball up and hope it goes in. It makes absolutely no sense to aim to miss and hope you screw up. That’s like taking a true-false test and circling all the answers you think are wrong. Not only will aiming for a specific cup result in more cups made at the beginning of the game, but it’s good practice for the omni-important last cup.

DON’T PARTNER WITH A CHICK if your ultimate priority is running the table all night. Of course there are exceptions, but the vast majority of girls are as good at beer pong as they are at winning the presidency. History teaches us that that’s not very good.

PARTNER WITH A CHICK if your ultimate priority is getting some ass. If she makes a few cups and you win a couple games together, your chances are that much better. Also, nothing says “I’m a nice, dependable guy” like drinking a cup for her when she asks. Don’t drink all her cups though, because then she’ll be sober and won’t end up giving you halo.

MAKE FREQUENT USE OF THE WATER CUP. Unless you were raised by impolite wolves, your mom surely reminded you over the dinner table to close your mouth when you chew and cover your nose when you sneeze. Likewise, if your mom is awesome enough to be at the other end of the beer pong table, she’s probably savvy enough to remind you to give your ball a quick dunk before you shoot. We’re not playing beer pong in a barn.

BEFORE THE GAME STARTS, WIPE DOWN YOUR SIDE OF THE TABLE. After a couple of games, the table will likely be sporting a thin film of beer and water, leaving the surface more slippery than a bar of soap coated in WD-40. Any solid shot off the rim will send a cup skidding recklessly across the table as if Billy Joel were behind the wheel. To combat this problem, extend this courtesy unto your opponents, as you would have them extend it unto you.

DON’T STACK THE EMPTY CUPS. Unless table space is paramount, simply place the empty cups along the long edge of the table. This keeps them as dry and clean as possible for future players and helps prevent the cup-drifting mentioned above. A player who doesn’t stack, doesn’t crack.

IF THE BALL GOES IN AN EMPTY CUP, RETRIEVE IT AND CONTINUE WITH THE GAME. At no point should you yell “Drink it!” like you’re Solo’s gift to running jokes into the ground. The ball is likely to bounce into an empty cup several times a game, especially if you heed the good word and refrain from cup stacking. Compliance with this rule will dramatically lower your odds of a higher power striking down upon thee in the form of me strangling you.

PSYCHE OUT YOUR OPPONENT AS YOU SEE FIT. To take a page from the Biblical texts of “BASEketball,” you reserve the right to distract your opponents in order to prevent them from making a shot. Any psyche-out is fair play, as long as it doesn’t involve physical contact or obstruction of the shooter, ball, or cup. A popular method of psyche-out, generally employed by girls, is the cleavage augmentation. Ladies, you don’t need to read what’s in the parentheses because you should already know that this (doesn’t really affect me at all; I’ve seen plenty of boobs, but I still take the opportunity to stare at them for a few seconds before I focus on the cup) is such an easy and effective psyche-out.

While this is not the only path to enlightenment, it has worked for countless others and so too shall it work for you. Good luck, young beer pong player. May your beer be cold and your balls be wet. Interpret that as you wish.