>>> Balls to the Wall
By staff writer Dan Opp
April 19, 2006

The debate over the categorization of certain activities has raged bright and hot since the very day that the first man decided to refer to his athletic competitions as “sports.” (Yes, it was a man. Sports were around before women were allowed to have ideas.) Enthusiasts in everything from archery to zoomball have argued for their beloved hobbies to be distinguished as sports, yet the debate rages on without a resolution. This lack of a resolution can primarily be attributed to the fact that no one has ever laid down a hard set of criteria that an activity should be required to pass before being considered an official sport. But who could possibly possess the audacity, the drive, and the expertise needed to make such an important decision?

Me.

I, Dan Opp—along with the producers of “Whose Religion Is the Best?” —have taken it upon myself to settle this argument once and for all. Below you will find the three criteria that every activity must pass before gaining sport status, as well as the final verdict regarding some of the most hotly contested activities.

Rule #1: If Stephen Hawking could excel at it, it is NOT a sport.

“Do cheerleading and figure skating take talent and hard work? Yes, but so does burping the alphabet.”

Astrophysics: Not a sport
Cheerleading: Sport
Chess: Not a sport
Beer Pong: Sport
Figure Skating: Sport
Giving Head: Sport
Getting Head: Not a sport
Auto Racing: Sport
Golf: Sport
Curling: Not a sport

Basically, anything that requires physical ability beyond full-body paralysis passes this test. Consequently, chess (or any board or card game), curling, and—sadly—getting head do not qualify. To rebut those who may argue that Stephen Hawking couldn’t possibly excel at curling, I offer the following argument:

I’m decent at mini-golf, generally shooting in the vicinity of par for a given course. However, I fuckin’ OWNED Mini-Putt on AddictingGames.com, posting a personal best score of 19 shots for 18 holes1, which equates to 29 under par. How did I master it? I simply memorized where to place the ball and cursor for every shot because the end result was mechanically predictable. Now, by setting a stone in front of Stephen Hawking’s programmable, motorized cart, you essentially turn curling into Mini-Putt on Ice. You can also quit your bitching because curling wouldn’t have passed the third rule anyhow.

1 To this day, my biggest regret from college is failing to achieve the Mini-Putt perfect game. Damn you, 8th
hole!!

Rule #2: If the final outcome is based solely on the discretion of a judge, it is NOT a sport.

Cheerleading: Not a sport
Beer Pong: Sport
Figure Skating: Not a sport
Giving Head: Sport
Auto Racing: Sport
Golf: Sport
Exposing Your Genitals to a Bus Full of Kindergartners: Not a sport

If the victor is not readily obvious to all spectators and participants immediately after a competition is over, it’s not a sport. Do cheerleading and figure skating take talent and hard work? Yes, but so does burping the alphabet. Similarly, regardless of whether or not you thought you won your game of “exposing your genitals to a bus full of kindergartners,” your fate will ultimately be in the hands of a judge. Trust me on this.

You may be confused as to how giving head fulfills this standard, since a judge is generally not involved (although courthouse employees have to earn their promotions somehow). Frankly, the outcome of a blowjob is never in doubt. The guy always wins. Sounds like any other sport to me!

Rule #3: If you can drink a beer while playing, it is NOT a sport.

Beer Pong: Not a sport
Auto Racing: Sport
Giving Head: Sport
Golf: Not a sport

I didn’t personally come up with this rule, as it has been gaining popularity in recent years. However, I feel it does apply.

Beer pong is thus eliminated based on the inherent nature of the game, and golf gets the axe based on the fact that, on a golf course, it’s easier to find an empty beer can than an actual golf ball…at least when I play.

Auto racing passes this test due to the whole “drunk driving is morally reprehensible” thing. So, while I myself am not a fan, auto racing fulfills all of the necessary criteria and shall be officially inducted into sporthood. Giving head qualifies under this rule as well, because the girl’s mouth is occupied with and by other things, rendering beer drinking impossible. That said, I’d love to meet a girl who could prove me wrong.

Now, I know you’re thinking, “But Dan, if giving head is a sport, who plays defense?”

To which I respond, “No one plays defense per se, yet everyone who’s ever given a blowjob has had to deal with a suffocating D.”

In summary, after applying the three essential criteria of a sport, my initial list of ten activities has been pared down to two legitimate sports: auto racing and giving head. You know what this means, right? We need to turn them into a combo sport and petition to have roadhead included in the next Olympics.

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