>>> Four More Years
By staff writer Jon Doell
April 13, 2005

I am single.

Yes, that’s right ladies…single. Now, I know what most of you are probably thinking to yourselves: “But Jon, how? You’re smart, fancy, caring yet sensitive, handsome, muscular, and you have no terminal STDs.” Maybe so, but I’m also wildly delusional and refuse to buy a mirror. Besides, you've hardly read a word out of my mouth. Then there is also the fact that I make up conversations like the one above with women who don’t actually exist in order to feed my ego. But you are right ladies: I am one hell of a catch. Just don’t ask me about those non-terminal, but oh-so-good-to-scratch STDs.

For the sake of my own already-fragile self image, I’d like to forget the previous paragraph and imagine that I am single for a wide variety of perfectly good reasons: there are too many girls to choose from; I’m playing the field; I’m not ready for commitment; and my penis is too large. None of these are true. There is no waiting list of girls; I wouldn’t know which game to play, or even where the field is; I can’t spell commitment without spell-check; and I have to lean over VERY far before I become a tripod.

“Your girlfriend won’t let you rub grape jelly all over her while she sits in the bathtub dressed as a Carebear? You are a sick bastard, and she was right to leave you.”

No, I am single for one very important reason: I am lazy. Now, you might be thinking to yourself, “I bet that if you took the time and effort to try and pick up a girl, you would still strike out.” To that I would say, “You Sir are correct.” I’m not just implying that I am too lazy to meet girls. I am also too lazy to bathe regularly, wash my clothes, get out of bed, or track you down and punch you in the back of the head for saying that. I am simply so lazy that there is no way I would have the prospect of a date. Don’t feel bad for me though (my parents do that enough already), being single does have its advantages. For example:

“Hey dude, me and the guys were gonna order some pizza and play video games all night. You wanna come down? Bring some beer.”

Dating response: “Awwww, boo for me. The girlfriend wants me to come over and watch The Notebook again. And she’s having her period, so I have to buy tampons…. I don’t know why I told you that. Jesus, help me.”

Single response: “Yes.”

So, which one of these guys is going to have more fun? You better not say the Dating Guy. Don’t say it, you knew damn well which one I meant, so why would you have to go and ruin our fun? That’s right, the single guy has more fun. The last thing any real man wants is to go pick up some ultra-absorbent pads while he knows that his buddies are doing anything else at all. And ladies, if your man tells you he really doesn’t mind, he’s lying. That or he's a really great guy you should never let go of. Look at him, all cuddly and caring about your feeling…. Cough*gay*Cough.

Maybe friends aren’t enough for you. Maybe you’re saying, “Ya, friends are great, but it feels like there is a void that needs filling.” And I would say, “What the hell are you talking about? You can’t be serious. You are?!? Really? OHHHHHH, I see, read you loud and clear. I was wondering why you were winking at me when you talked about ‘filling a void’…. Void means vagina right?” OK. Sex, the big S-E-X. I’m sure that it is very fun (at least that’s what my crazy Uncle Pete tried to tell me at my 12th birthday party), but look at this fact that I just made up.

FACT: As soon as you start dating a girl, the sex stops. From there on in all you're good for is killing bugs, moving furniture and hammering nails into the wall so she can hang these totally cute pictures of daisies.

So, dating for sex is out, and that leaves you with two options:

Option 1: Hookers

C’mon, it’s funny if you find out someone you know had sex with a hooker, but do you really want to be that guy? Really, I know it’s the lazy way to sex, but what would your mother think? Don’t you care about your poor mother, crying her eyes out 'cause her son is a dirty pervert? If you want to please her (your mother you ass, no one wants to please a hooker), kick that hooker out of your car (slow down first… or don’t, she’s a hooker), go home, and move on to…

Option 2: Internet Porn

Is there anything more perfect? Nope, there sure isn’t. This is the answer to all of your problems. You want to sit at home, covered in nacho crumbs, stinking from your lack of showers and still see naked girls. Unless your sister is a stripper (awesome!!) you will have to settle for Internet porn. With advances in Internet technology and hard drive sizes, everything you need for hours of self-pleasure is right there for the taking.

Here’s a little experiment to try out at home to prove that Internet porn is better than having a girlfriend:

Ask any guy who's dating if his girlfriend is ever ready when he goes to pick her up. Invariably the answer will be no. It’s a little game girls play with guys to try and see how much control they have over the relationship. Next time a girl isn’t ready when she said she would be, try this helpful dialogue:

“What do you mean you’re not ready? I thought we agreed that we were leaving at 8:00. It’s already 8:30. The movie starts in 15 fucking minutes and you’re not even dressed! OH MY GOD. WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THIS TO ME?!? I DON’T GIVE A SHIT IF YOU’RE READY OR NOT GET OFF THE DAMN COUCH!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE HOW GOD DAMNED SLOW YOU ARE!!!! AAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGG!!” Then smash your head into a wall, tear off your clothes and run, screaming unintelligibly out into the street, disappear into the night, and cry yourself to sleep under an overpass. The probability of you having sex after that display is now pretty low. Just like your grandmother’s bust line…. WHA???

Now, let’s replace your girlfriend in the above situation with something a little more logically minded: Try that same dialogue with your computer next time your porn downloads are going a little too slow. Any negative reaction? Nope, your roommates might look at you a little funny, but seriously, you are trying to pleasure yourself, they should get out of the living room and give you some privacy. By screaming profanities at your computer at the top of your lungs, the probability of you getting off is EXACTLY THE SAME after your crybaby outburst as it was before. Seriously, you can even hit the keyboard a few times (but try to hit it only on the number pad, because, seriously, who uses that thing regularly anyways? Geeks, that’s who) and your computer will just sit there, slowly downloading porn.

Internet porn is also great because it will cater to any perverted fantasy your sick little mind might think up. That hooker won’t do facials or let you videotape it? The Internet has it. That one night stand isn’t into anal or threesomes with her sister? The Internet has it. Your girlfriend won’t let you rub grape jelly all over her while she sits in the bathtub dressed as a Carebear? You are a sick bastard, and she was right to leave you, but the Internet has it. Don’t download that one though, the picture quality is terrible and there’s no sound. And if you can’t hear the midget spread the jelly, that’s just wrong.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, unless you are prepared to invest some energy (read: way too much) and take a shower, meet some girl, seduce her over dinner, brush your teeth, talk to her… awww, screw it, I don’t even have the ambition to write it out. Really though, girls… who needs ‘em. Am I right? ‘Cause if I’m not, I really need to update my Internet dating profiles. What!?! I’m not right? Dammit all to hell!! OH GOD, THIS COMPUTER IS A PIECE OF SHIT. HURRY UP AND LOAD THE DAMN SITE YOU PLASTIC PIECE OF ASS!! I AM SO VERY LONELY.

So lonely.