An assortment of guides, stories, and observational humor from a guy who realized writing a weekly column can't be done sober.

Column Archives | Start at: 2007, 2006

May 2007

A Beginner's Guide to the Gym | 5-16-07
As a veritable human encyclopedia on college gyms, I’m here to guide you along on your quest towards total body perfection.

April 2007

Brooke Burke Could Have Done Things | 4-25-07
When writer's block hits, it's tough to churn out new material. Save resources and go with 50/50 post-consumer recycled content.

Murphy's Laws of Facebook | 4-18-07
Facebook may be your best agent for meeting future girlfriends. But by that point her future boyfriend is already plotting to bring you down.

Insert Restaurant Name Here | 4-11-07
As your family's restaurant server, I'll be: waiting for you to order, waiting for you to leave, and waiting for your daughter to turn legal.

The Madden-ing Crowd | 4-4-07
You don't question a Madden gamer's loyalty. In fact, you don't really question him at all. Just let the issue of the broken controller go.

March 2007

My Own Personal Blooper Reel | 3-29-07
There are certain times in your life when you just laugh and laugh. Still, it's common courtesy to ask if he's alright after you catch your breath.

The Invincible Summer | 3-21-07
What is it about summer that makes writers wax poetic, and women wax Brazilian? You have a good three months to think about it.

The Elisha Theory | 3-7-07
We've all acted interested in a girl in order to get some action, but when there's lights and camera involved, well now who's playing who?

February 2007

Ode to The Office | 2-21-07
For a show with hilarious characters as well as poignant truths, The Office hits in all the right spots. Yeah, that's what she said.

Your Mom's an Observational Humor | 2-14-07
I mean just look at her. Look all around you. Comedy breathes all around us when we're hanging out in the dorm, or running into poles.

The Pop Quiznos Story | 2-7-07
Sometimes a good thing that turns out to be a bad thing can be a great thing. Double meat, double cheese, zero regrets.

January 2007

Riding the Campus Shuttle… To Cooltown | 1-31-07
Think that slut on your floor is the only one getting around campus? The shuttle bus is your chance to make “friends.”

Visiting Your Friends' Friends | 1-25-07
If you want your friend's friends to like you, you've got to show some common interest in generic music, beer, and their girlfriends.

Viva la MTV | 1-17-07
MTV is taking a lot of flak these days, but do you really want all those crappy videos back? Get with it, bad is the new good.

Laying Down Your AIM Game | 1-10-07
AIM screen names are the new cell phone number, so you better brush up on your chat game. Here's how to avoid the stink of desperation.

The Definitive 2007 Wish List | 1-3-07
2007 is going to be a big year. Just thinking about it puts this smile on my face that lets everyone know I'm in over my head. Over my head.

December 2006

How You Spent Christmas Day | 12-27-06
Your Christmas might vary between the type of family and amount of unconsciousness, but it probably doesn't get any less depressing.

Five Ingredients for an Awful Girl | 12-20-06
Ladies, avoid these traits and you'll have guys all over you. Guys, you're off the hook, in fact they might actually help you.