>>> Three Beers Deep
By staff writer Chris Phelan
January 25, 2007

Hey everybody, thanks for clicking on Three Beers Deep. I don’t want to get your hopes up, but it’s probably the best decision you’ll have made all week.

To quickly comment on some of last week’s feedback: it’s really crazy to realize just how many people are so stuck in the past when it comes to MTV. Listen, I know it stands for “Music Television.” We all know that. I guess my point is that MTV could be renamed Mindless-Turn-Your-Brain-Off Television and people would still find ways to complain about the network.

Oh, and a special thanks goes out to PIC reader Turdburlgar, who contributed the following on Sunday afternoon:

Take that farce of a picture down and replace it with a real one – preferably one in a pink nighty with your library of Sweet Valley High books as a backdrop. Only a 13 year old girl could hold the position you have here stated. In addition, please quit pretending that you are an athlete or I will do the riverdance on your crotch.

“Keep a ridiculous pace. If there’s one thing we’ve all learned in college, it’s that heavy drinking equals respect (HD=R).”

Wow. This may be the greatest comment I have ever received from any of my writing. Not only was I compared to a 13-year-old girl, but my supreme athleticism was also brought into question. I have to be honest, it really makes me giddy when I find I have absolutely furious/insane/hilarious feedback. Above all else, it’s much more entertaining to read Turdburglar’s ramblings than the standard “nice work.” Plus it’s great to know that some of my readers may be absolutely nuts.

Oh, and if anybody knows how to Photoshop my picture to fit Turdburglar’s creepy needs, please email it to me and I will put it up as my new PIC headshot. Sound good?

Anyway, as far as the rest of the feedback goes, a couple people really hit the nail right on the head with their comments about no matter bad the shows really are, they’re always entertaining. And that’s really what I was getting at. Thanks to everybody who contributed feedback, both positive and negative.

(And yes, I’ve watched the new lie-detector dating show. And to be honest, it’s too gimmicky for me. And yes, I realize I just described an MTV show as too gimmicky. Hey, there’s a fine line, people!)

Moving along. Much like the Meet the Hot New Neighbors article I wrote last year, this guide focuses on a situation very familiar to everyone in college.

Visiting Your Friend’s Friends

Here’s the situation: it’s Friday afternoon, your roommate just got home from his last class, and he’s amped up. Both of you know that there’s really nothing going on tonight so you find it hard to share his unbridled enthusiasm for the weekend. But then he drops the magic words:

“Dude, we’re gonna visit my boys over at (insert school here) tonight.”

And before you know it, you’re getting ready for a night at a college you’ve never visited and will probably never visit again. And I don’t know about you, but these opportunities have to be taken advantage of. See, when I visit other schools… I don’t know what it is, but I feel invincible. Like I can do no wrong and can easily evade all trouble. When I visit somebody else’s school, I know it’ll be a legendary night.

But there’s a small roadblock blocking your path to a great Friday night: your roommate’s friends, none of whom you’ve met before. No worries, here’s a handy guide to enable you to make that transition from “random dude your roommate brought along” to “bro,” at the very least.


BEFORE YOU LEAVE

Your attire… choose wisely.

If you insist on wearing one of those t-shirts that thinks it’s funny, try to be vague and generic—you never know if humor is totally lost on your roommates’ friends. Leave the “Everythong is better in California” shirt home and go with the “I like sports” t-shirt or the same thing John Belushi’s wearing in that poster above your bed. Don’t have that exact shirt? Cut it out of the poster, stupid.

Change your ringtone.

It won’t matter if you crack all the best jokes in the world, nothing will ruin a first impression faster than a terrible ringtone. And I’m not talking about your usual ringtone, either. No, I’m talking about that one person in your phonebook that you assigned a “joke ringtone” to. You know, the buddy that was with you when you first got your phone and you thought it would be HILARIOUS if it played “Dancing Queen” every time he called? Yeah. I know it’s hard to believe, but I don’t think these dudes will think it’s very cool. Any rap song will be a fine substitute for the time being. (Don’t worry, tomorrow you can get rid of Snoop and go back to giggling like a maniac every time Dave calls.)


AFTER YOU’VE BEEN INTRODUCED

Make fun of your roommate early… and often.

When your roommate inevitably starts telling one of those long, drawn-out stories to his buddies, you’re golden. First, give him a minute or two to really build up steam, then strike. Blurt out something awful that happened to him this past semester that his buddies would have no idea about. Trust me on this one.

“Oh man, this is the craziest part. So I’m getting chased around my living room by Bill who’s trying to kill me, Sarah’s still in my bedroom, and I still have my condom on my dick, right? Like, who gets into this shit but me? So anyway, I grab the fuckin’ blender—the fuckin’ blender, dude!—and I just st–”

“SCOTT GOT HERPES FROM THE 50-YEAR OLD DINING HALL SWIPER!”

Check… and mate. Your roommate will be stunned, of course. But he’ll get over it. Meanwhile, his buddies will start wanting answers, leading to the disturbing story of how he was out of meal swipes and thought she was clean, and ending with his buddies high-fiving and thanking you for bringing that hilarious fact to light.

And keep spilling the beans throughout the night about your roommate’s drunk dials to his ex, his lame major, and possible manorexia. Once you unveil the herpes story, there’s no reason to turn back.


DURING THE PREGAMING

Beer… there’s only one.

Praise Natty Light at all times—it doesn’t matter what the conversation is. If all the guys are talking about their fantasy football teams, just randomly burst in with something nonsensical like, “To Natty: the official beer of fantasy football!” and trust me, the room will burst into wild applause as not only did you praise Natty, but you linked it to fantasy sports, the conversation equivalent of two girls at once.

If everybody’s discussing the most recent on-campus political issue and it’s your turn to express your opinion, take a quick chug of Natty, then kinda chuckle—you know, one of those stereotypical “stoned” chuckles—then say something like, “Ahhh dude, Natty is soooo good,” and everybody will nod approvingly.

And while everybody’s nodding like idiots, bail and somehow get back to your campus. Your roommate’s an asshole for dragging you to a liberal arts school and you’re heading back to erase his Madden season.

Keep “your asshole” to yourself.

You know the story: out there’s still a few more hours to kill before everybody hits the bars, inevitably the cards come out. Somebody suggests Asshole or Kings or a card game that has literally 12,000 variations. This is the easiest tip in the world: play by their crazy, stupid rules to whatever card came you’re playing. Resist the urge to say, “Well that’s not how we play it at my school.” Resist the urge to say, “No no, let me show you how I play.” And definitely resist the urge to add, “…fags.”

Nobody likes the know-it-all in any scenario, whether it’s you pregaming with people you don’t know, or it’s you in the bar scene of Good Will Hunting, trying to show up Matt Damon in front of that borderline hot chick.

Agree with all their lunacy.

You’re not there to stir the pot, you’re there so that when you leave, your roommate’s friends are gonna say, “That dude was the shit.” So agree with whatever insane crap comes out of their mouths at all times. Yeah, The Fray rules! Screw using a condom! Nick Gaudio is a funny writer, yeah!

See, the more you agree with these newfound pals of yours, the more drinks they’ll buy you at the bar. So don’t be shy. And as awise man once said: when they say the sun sucks, go “Yeah, fuck the sun, I fucking hate it too, long live the fucking beast.”


AT THE BAR

Buy the first round.

This may be the most important aspect of your night out: make sure you by the first round. It doesn’t matter if it’s shots, beers, or a hilarious combination of Tabasco and grenadine, just buy the first round. Then later in the night, once it becomes hazy whose turn it is to buy drinks, just keep saying, “Ah, guys I just bought the last round.” Yeah, it’s a little deceitful, but hey, they are your friends for one night and one night only, might as well milk them for all their worth… which admittedly won’t be more than another drink or two. But it’s the principle of the matter.

Keep a ridiculous pace.

Be the guy to constantly shout, “Let’s do another shot!” and, “Let me guess your major, it’s NURSING, right?” If there’s one thing we’ve all learned while in college, it’s that heavy drinking equals respect (HD=R). So don’t be the guy who’s constantly asked, “Why aren’t you drinking, man?” Because nobody likes that guy.

Give adequate props.

Loudly proclaim, “YOUR CREW’S PRETTY SICK MAN, I’M HAVING A GREAT TIME!” Say it loud enough for one of the other guys to hear, and try to make eye contact with one of them. Make sure it’s fleeting, though. Your eye contact should say, “You guys know how to party like heterosexuals,” not “I want your balls in my mouth.”


AFTER YOU LEAVE THE BAR

Bang one of their girlfriends.

They’ll never see it coming.

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