I am a man, and I like boobs. But not all cans are created equal. There's big, beautiful, firm, squishy, awesome, rockin'-tits-awesome, bouncy, flappy, yucky, big-nipply, too big, too small, boring, hairy and many more. Fake too.

Girls in bikinisFrom time to time I get asked if I like large or small bombs. Well, duh, the answer is: I like great bombs. But what makes one rack better than the other? Fantastic question, I'm glad I asked myself.

Let me start my opening argument with a story about my first encounter with breasts. They were the biggest I've ever seen. The only reason this glorious gal didn't boot me out of her room for laughing was because my mouth was full of her amazingly gigantic bazongas. As I fondled, pinched, caressed and tried to put my penis in between them I thought, "I'm going to play with these as long as I can. And when I get bored, I'll play with them some more. Then I will find a new set to play with. Because I like this game. Yay for knockers!"

Nipples are a non-issue. Rarely will crappy plugs ruin a set of inner tubes, but it happens. A woman's attractiveness doesn't make or break the awesomeness of her cleavage. You've heard dudes ask their dumbass friend, "Your girlfriend sucks, she's not fun, she's ugly, stupid and poor…why do you stay with her?" And your dumbass friend replies, "I know she's the second coming of Perez Hilton, but she's got fantastic funbags."

However, I've one-handedly removed many bras, taken one look at some disappointing chichis and mentally said, "Fuck. This game isn't fun any more. Hopefully she'll rightfully feel self-conscious and just blow me."

Big guns are cool because they're big, but unfortunately most of the time big guns are connected to big tanks of women. Suck. But small guns can be attached to big women. Double suck. But also, small guns can be attached to Asian girls. YAY!

Girls with big jubblies just kind of expect to be treated like royalty. They lay there during sex, knowing you're just staring at their mounds jiggling instead of watching them do their nails or listening to them talk on the phone. But when my pecs are bigger than my special ladyfriend's, she generally needs to find other things to do to keep me interested in her. Hopefully—for her sake—this means blowjobs, naked showers, and presents. I like presents.

Also, with small boobs you know you have a low chance of the three S's: sagging, sloppy and stretch marks. If your girl is built for comfort, eventually she'll pop a spring and your once comfortable ride is going to look like a shitty El Camino on a bad stretch of road. But when she's built for speed, all she needs is a tune-up from time to time. By tune-up, I mean—I don't know what I mean. But your sleepover woman's bantam-weight bosoms won't turn into skin and lard trying to escape from her old, crusty body.

Girl squeezing her breastsBrassieres can be total motherfuckers. Especially those push-up bastards. I've pulled of a chick's shirt, unsnapped and all of a sudden I'm being attacked by two gelatinous tentacles. Fucking nastiness. But then there are those padded bras. Removing one of those is like running down the stairs on Christmas morning, opening your brand new Xbox 360 and finding a fucking Sega Dreamcast in the box. Women are a tricky folk and survived for centuries with their chicanery against males.

Nipples are a non-issue. Rarely will crappy plugs ruin a set of inner tubes, but it happens. Also, girls can get their nips pierced, which causes them incredibly amounts of pain—which is always a plus.

If you're a woman reading this, you might be feeling self-conscious. Well, good. Because you should probably go to the gym. Or date black dudes, they generally don't give a shit about your kitties, because they're usually ass guys—hopefully you at least own a sweet butt.

Otherwise, if you shop in the little boy's section for support, go to a plastic surgeon and get ten pounds of silicon stuffed in you. It will do wonders for your self-esteem and make you a lot more attractive—which in turn makes you a better person.

Don't let people's prejudices sway you. Fakies are awesome too! Because all boobs are real when they're in your mouth.

Or, you can do what one of my favorite girlfriends did: cycle and change your birth control as often as possible. This lass was amazing. Sometimes her cups were ginormous and I could burst my boys into her. Other times her coolness storage containers (shit, I'm really running out of words for boobs) were nice as well as firm, and I could ejaculate all over them. Seriously, every bedroom encounter was an adventure because her girly parts were always different. It was like banging a new person every night, without having to learn names, buy drinks, or pretend I cared about her class schedule.

So there you go, the debate is solved. What's better: big and fluffy hogs or small and firm hams? And the answer is? Both can be awesome, if they're awesome.

Now ladies, if you'd like me to evaluate the awesomeness of your twins, just email me a photo and I'll get right back to you after fifteen or twenty minutes of "research."