How did so many tyrannical governments stay in power for so long back in the day? Torture and oppression, normally. But also because there was no such thing as the question mark. Sure, there were exclamation points and commas, but things like question marks, semicolons and condoms had not yet come along. For these reasons, the Middle Ages have often been defined as uninquisitive, improper, and full of dumpster-diving babies.
Back in the day, kings and emperors liked to yell at their minions about topics like crusades and Feudalism and other shit mentioned on Middle-Ages.org. With all the yelling going on, exclamation points everywhere grew very, very tired. Not only had bold letters not been created yet, but neither had italics, underlining, or CAPS. For these reasons, exclamation points became alcoholics to hide the pain, stumbling around their respective kingdoms hunched over like a…like a…
"What the fuck is that?" remarked a peasant at the bent-over exclamation point. "It's like a fuckin', uh, a fuckin', like, ya know?"
And that was the beginning of questions. We haven't really gone much further since.
Postlude:
Did you know the Wright brothers only had enough courage to attempt to fly their plane when they were drunk?So what have all these famous moments in alcohol taught us? How much has knowing that alcohol shaped our world more than any other substance changed our outlook on life? Not a whole lot, probably, considering many of us were conceived due to over-consumption of booze on our parent's behalf, thus being responsible for our entire existence. But what I hope has changed is your perspective on substances that many people have deemed "bad" or "unproductive" or "dude, every time you drink you pee on people and break things that aren't yours."
I think people need to stick to their convictions, because the moment they start to change for somebody, they'll hate being around that person because they won't be able to be themselves. Can you imagine not being able to shoot gin at noon without getting raised eyebrows? Or being told to "stop" or "put your dick away" just because you're in a public park at 4pm on a Tuesday? If you start changing who you are because the world wants you to, you're fucked.
I hate to use the most Facebooked Dr. Seuss quote of all time, but here goes:
Sometimes it doesn't matter how much we want things to change or be different. Some societal ideals are far too implanted in past generations for them to stop their trains of negativity, disdain, and occasionally painful urination. This is why we have to adapt, roll with the punches, and drink heavily whenever the opportunity presents itself, such as right now, always, and whenever the fuck we want.
Did you know the Wright brothers only had enough courage to attempt to fly their plane when they were drunk? That they only put up with the world's doubt and ridicule because they were so drunk they couldn't comprehend monosyllabic insults? No? Good, because I just made that up. But my point is that drinking helps us combat all the negative people and perceptions in our lives that have us hiding our true selves from the world.
Life is like a shot—fast and enlivening—and I'm sure as hell ordering a double.