« Back to 13 Fictional Characters and What They Would Do Under the Influence

As promised, I spent this past week getting shitty with fictional people, and am here to present to you their favorite drinks, plans for the night, and also what they plan on doing the following morning, assuming Luigi hasn't offed himself and Shaggy and Scooby aren't doing time for voyeurism.

1. The Hulk

Incredible HulkDrink of Choice: Muscle Milk, HGH.

Plans for the Night: Finally take up supplement companies on endorsement offers.

Following Morning: Grunt, apply for patent on amazingly stretchable and color-changing fabric.

2. E.T.

Drink of Choice: Reese's Pieces Liquor.

Plans for the Night: Become cliché go-to parody for lazy screenwriters.

Following Morning: Attempt to escape from Spielberg's anal cavity; remain unsuccessful.

3. Garfield

GarfieldDrink of Choice: Fermented beef broth.

Plans for the Night: Continue to not make others laugh; steal food, get incarcerated.

Following Morning: Take up valuable space in numerous newspapers.

4. Winnie the Pooh

Drink of Choice: Honey lager.

Plans for the Night: Force Piglet into submission; arson Eyore's pathetic stick shack.

Following Morning: Deport Roo.

5. Piglet

PigletDrink of Choice: Pink panty droppers.

Plans for the Night: Encourage children everywhere to be timid and risk-averse.

Following Morning: Shoot-up liquefied oxycodone with Christopher Robin.

6. Christopher Robin

Drink of Choice: O'Doul's.

Plans for the Night: Play with imaginary friends.

Following Morning: Remove stranger's dick from mouth.

7. Shaggy & Scooby

Scooby and ShaggyDrink of Choice: Scooby Snack Spodi.

Plans for the Night: Watch Daphne and Fred through peephole.

Following Morning: Sell rights to voyeuristic porno film for hefty sum.

8. Mickey Mouse

Drink of Choice: Tilt.

Plans for the Night: Minnie.

Following Morning: Get gigantic hand tumors removed.

9. Luigi

LuigiDrink of Choice: Anything middle shelf.

Plans for the Night: Settle for silver, finish runner-up, cringe in red, mustached shadow.

Following Morning: Bang Princess Toadstool's less-attractive sister.

10. Bob Saget

Drink of Choice: Healthy orange juice!!! Kidding. Give me anything. Seriously, anything. Just get me drunk. I can't stand these fucking kid actors.

Plans for the Night: Film/star in Olsen twins threesome, leak video to distributors, make millions, bang hookers.

Following Morning: Roofie Kimmy Gibbler. Not for anything nefarious, just the silence. Oh, and the sex.

11. Frodo

FrodoDrink of Choice: Fellowship of the Ring = ZIMA. Two Towers = Black Label. Three quarters of the way through The Return of the King = Everclear.

Plans for the Night: Play "totally saved Middle Earth" card to land hoes.

Following Morning: Consider asking Gandalf for help with common Hobbit "Shortcoming."

12. Gandalf

Drink of Choice: GILFs.

Plans for the Night: GILFs.

Following Morning: GILFs.

13. Merry, Pippin, and Sauron

Merry, Pippin and SauronDrink of Choice: Semen, penicillin.

Plans for the Night: Check selves for vaginal sores.

Following Morning: Lose. Just lose in general.

Well gang, this weekend I'm off to Vegas to decimate my liver, bank account, criminal record, and potentially/hopefully my ability to donate blood. I've also always felt the need to smell was somewhat superfluous, so I'll see about annihilating that as well.

Wish me luck, and I apologize in advance if my next article seems written by a post-lobotomy patient. On the other hand, that could be quite funny. Can't wait to read it myself when I regain proper brain function!


P.S. On a side note, my grandma and some folks at her retirement community read my column each week. They also, by the magic of the Information Super Highway, read some the other PIC columns. I like to think this means our humor transcends generations, but I'm pretty sure it just shows how much everyone like dirty jokes and heavy drinking.