Bernanke says recession “very likely over”

By JEANNINE AVERSA (AP) – 26 minutes ago

WASHINGTON — Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said Tuesday the worst recession since the 1930s is probably over, although he cautioned that pain — especially for the nearly 15 million unemployed Americans — will persist.

Ben Bernanke has a different definition of "over" than we do here in the rest of America. Bernanke's definition of over is as follows: not yet finished.

Bernanke said the economy likely is growing now, but he warned that won't be sufficient to prevent the unemployment rate, now at a 26-year high of 9.7 percent, from rising.

The economy is "likely" growing. Again, Ben has a different definition of the word "likely" than does the rest of the English speaking world. Ben's definition of "likely" is: not at all likely.

"From a technical perspective, the recession is very likely over at this point," Bernanke said in responding to questions at the Brookings Institution. "It's still going to feel like a very weak economy for some time because many people will still find that their job security and their employment status is not what they wish it was."

So basically, according to Bernanke, many people are still unemployed and housing values keep decreasing as does purchasing power but "technically" all is well. You just don't know it because you see the world with the wrong technique. (That technique, incidentally, is called lying.)

The recession, which started in December 2007, has claimed a net total of 6.9 million jobs. With expectations for a lethargic recovery, the Fed predicts that unemployment will top 10 percent this year. The post-World War II high was 10.8 percent at the end of 1982.

So unemployment is figured to increase by the conservative estimates of a biased government but the recession is pretty much over for the other ninety percent of us. I guess if we just killed 25 million people all would be totally cool.

Some economists say it will take at least four years for the jobless rate to drop down to a more normal range of 5 percent.

Still other economists say they would like popsicles for dinner but their stupid wives won't let them. The bitches.

Even if the economy logs "moderate" growth in 2010, unemployment is likely to stay elevated, Bernanke suggested.

So how does an economy grow when people can't access the capital necessary to buy the products necessary for profit? Magic beans, motherfuckers. Magic beans.

"Unfortunately, unemployment will be slow to come down. It will come down but it may take some time," he said. "Obviously, that's a very serious concern."

Yeah, but now that the recession's over, you can relax a little more. Here, have this popsicle I stole from a disgruntled and recently fired economist.

Drugmaker Eli Lilly & Co. said Monday that it will cut 5,500 jobs over the next two years, 14 percent of its work force, as it restructures the company into five units.

Eli Lilly is headquartered in Indianapolis. And that doesn't really matter all that much.

Still, Bernanke's declaration that the recession likely ended marked his most optimistic assessment yet of the economy.

And it followed what he described as "The best damn egg salad sandwich in DC."

Last month, Bernanke told a Fed conference in Wyoming that economic activity appears to be "leveling out" after declining sharply at the end of last year and into the beginning of this year. He also said that the global economy was just "beginning to emerge" from recession.

And one day, a few months ago, he told me that I'd never get a gray hair. Bernanke is sweet.

Bernanke's speech to at Brookings was identical to the one he delivered at the Fed conference.

There is nothing Ben hates more than writing new speeches. Well, besides clowns.

Analysts predict the U.S. economy is growing in the current quarter, which ends Sept. 30, at an annual rate of 3 to 4 percent. It shrank at a 1 percent pace in the second quarter, much slower than in previous quarters.

Analysts also predicted that ninety three percent of married economists would not be allocated popsicles for dinner.

Bernanke said the economy is coping with "ongoing headwinds," including hard-to-get-credit for consumers and businesses, and households saving more, spending less and trimming their debt. Those forces can weigh down the recovery, he said.

So basically Ben is saying that EVERYTHING THAT IS GOING ON IN THE ECONOMY could "weigh down" the recovery. So umm… on what exactly is he basing his preposition of eminent recovery?

Other analysts worry that falling house prices could hamper the broader rebound, especially if they cause consumers to tighten their belts.

None of those analysts, however, could figure out how that one dude managed to go back in time and create his own son who sent him back in time to create himself in "The Terminator" the 1984 classic starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.

While many on Wall Street have been encouraged by early signs of stabilization in U.S. home prices and hope the housing market may have hit bottom, others aren't so sure.

Those "others" prefer to go by the moniker, "Damn Near Everyone."

Deutsche Bank analyst Karen Weaver on Tuesday predicted that national home prices won't stop sliding until next summer and likely will fall another 10.5 percent from this summer's levels. Bigger declines are expected in cities like New York, Salt Lake City, Fort Lauderdale, Fla., and Baltimore.

Karen Weaver is clearly addicted to reality.

The Fed boss also said he is confident that Congress will enact a revamp of the nation's financial rule book to prevent a future crisis from happening.

I… I… can't even dignify that with a response. That's such a… such a… goddamn lie it's just… I can't… Sorry.

"I feel quite confident that a comprehensive reform will be forthcoming," Bernanke said.

He then added, "In my pants. There will be comprehensive reform in my pants tonight. That is where reform will be forthcoming. In. My. Pants."

President Barack Obama on Monday urged Congress to enact legislation this year.

Because if anyone understands the economy, it's congress…

"This has just been too big a calamity and too serious a problem" over the past year, with the near meltdown of the U.S. financial system, for Congress not to take action, Bernanke added.

I mean, they have to look like they're doing something.

He spoke one year after Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy, the largest in U.S. history. Its collapse roiled financial markets worldwide, nearly halted the flow of credit and almost brought down the entire U.S. financial system.

But all of that is behind us now because the economy is likely technically recovering. I mean, as long as nothing stays like it is now.

Fuck you, Ben. Fuck you prison rape style.