I bet the percentage of people who took a nap today because of Daylight Savings Time was really high. If I had to guess, I'd say it was somewhere around 123%.

Is it ever okay to use a percentage higher than 100 when speaking in figurative terms? I can never decide whether people who say they give 110% are 10% better, or 10% dumber than me.

If I were a figurative term, I'd be 101%. Just enough to throw people off, but not enough to really make a difference.

You know who's really causing the “over 100%” problem? Elementary school teachers. ATTENTION ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHERS: Stop giving extra credit on tests. You're raising our children with a skewed sense of numerical perfection.

If teachers really want to get creative, they should attach cool lead words or phrases to grades in order to make them seem more or less special. For instance, ghetto schools could employ the “Andre 3000 100” and suburban schools could use “All the Hits Q100.” And my teachers could have used “Absolute Zero.” Now that's ice cold.

Beer gets a lot of attention for being “ice cold” in marketing materials, but I think salad should adopt the same mentality. Ladies?

Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright.

Daylight Savings Time really makes you question whether humans can actually freeze time. If I were an archaeologist in the future, I'd junk all the fossils and dig for all this frozen time. Of course, that'd make you wonder how much humans in the future had regressed, if they could once freeze time and then became so desperate that they had to search for old frozen time.

You think old frozen time would taste more like rich vanilla ice cream or fresh-squeezed lemonade?

Why does every absurd hypothetical comparison utilize taste as a medium? I've been waiting for years to tell someone that I think Shakira's farts read more like a children's book than Christina Aguilera's.

My tennis buddy told me yesterday that he once met Christina Aguilera and she smelled like hot dogs. Furthermore, everyone else who met her that day was commented on the same thing. Sadly, I'm not sure any of this changes my opinion of Christina Aguilera.

I'd still give her a 98 Degrees 101% beef injection.

Ambika, you smell me?

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