Royce: What do you think of Jenny?
Me: She's cute, but she looks too much like one of my cousins. I probably couldn't complete the act. I'd keep seeing my cousin and get all weirded out.
Royce: You know, it's okay to fuck the cousin as long as you don't drop a load in her.
Me: Dude, you can't be serious.
Royce: I'm just saying that if there's no child, there's no foul.
Me: You sick motherfucker.
Royce: Cousin-fucker.
Me: My bad. I stand corrected.

Me: North Korea tested six missiles at once.
Tony: They're just trying to get attention from the US.
Me: They're like a little kid who destroys property to get his parents to notice him. North Korea needs a hug.
Tony: Yeah, they need something?

Frank: You didn't bring any fireworks.
Me: I'm trying to cut down.
Frank: Why?
Me: It's taken me a while to realize that explosives and alcohol don't mix.
Steve: Oh no. They mix quite well. Just not with you.
Me: Touche'.

Me: Is Taiwan its own country?
Tony: Actually, it's kind of weird. Taiwan is their own thing but it's still a part of China. They basically had to promise that they wouldn't secede from China and in return, China promised not to occupy or rule them.
Me: Wow. What the hell would the real world equivalent of that be?
Tony: It'd be like saying to your wife, “Look, you can divorce me, but you have to promise to stay in the house and act like my wife or I'm killing your kids.”
Bethany: Jesus, guys?

Me: I'm pretty sure she doesn't like me.
Tony: Well, you do make her nervous. But, you do that to lots of people.
Me: It's more than that. It's like, whenever I hit on her, she looks all scared.
Tony: Here's an idea. Instead of hitting on her all loud and in front of everyone at the bar, why don't you take her aside and talk to her one on one as if she were a human being?
Me: You think that'd work?
Tony: Yeah.
Me: Well, I guess it never hurts to try something new.

Random Girl: The thing is, women may have better orgasms?
Me: Whoa, honey. May have better orgasms? Women have orgasms that last longer than most sitcoms. It really pisses me off.
Random Girl: Yeah, but we don't get them as often as you do.
Me: Want one?
Random Girl: Yes. Do you think you can teach my boyfriend to be better in bed?
Me: That's not exactly what I meant.
Random Girl: I'd pay you.
Me: So, what would I do? Just like, watch you guys and take notes?
Random Girl: No, we'd have to videotape it and show it to you afterwards.
Me: Want my number?
Random Girl: Sure.

Moe: You believe this fucking guy? He's putting together an internet column in my fucking office.
Me: Dude, you manage a bar. What do you even need this computer for?
Moe: I'll have you know that I keep a lot of important videogames on that thing.
Jeff: Yeah. And don't forget about the porn. You're using valuable spank time, Nate.
Me: Next time, I'm bringing my own chair.


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