Lisa: She said she couldn’t believe that we would treat her like that on the anniversary of her mother’s death.
Dan: Like we’re supposed to know when her mom died.
Gordon: We should totally make that a new Facebook setting. We could start a new Hallmark trend.
Me: What would the cards say? “On this day, ten years ago, your Mom died. Have a piece of cake or something.”
Dan: Well Nate’s clearly not our card writer.

Me: You know, I loved all my grandparents, but I couldn’t give you the date of any of their deaths.
Phil: My wife knows all those dates. She can even tell us the anniversary of when our pets died.
Me: Must be a female thing.
Dan: Like irrational thinking?
Lisa: Like “Fuck you,” Dan.
Dan: I can’t even tell you my parents’ birthdays.
Me: How is that even possible?
Gordon: It’s easy. Dan is a horrible human being.

Me: But Dan, like you get them presents, right?
Dan: Oh yeah.
Me: How do you know when to buy them?
Dan: My dad tells me when my mom’s birthday is coming and my mom tells me when my dad’s birthday is coming and when my sister’s birthday is coming, both my parents’ remind me.
Me: You know your own address, right?
Dan: I mean, I can find my way home.

Me: I got it.
Lisa: Herpes?
Me: You wish.
Lisa: Why would I wish you had herpes?
Dan: So you wouldn’t be so alone.

Me: No I mean I got something we could put in the death anniversary cards.
Gordon: I’m listening.
Me: “Dear So and So, years ago on this date your life changed forever. And though your loved one is no longer with us here on Earth, we cannot deny the fact that you will die too someday and life is, essentially, meaningless. Have a piece of fucking cake.”
Gordon: You’re an asshole.
Dan: That brought a tear to my eye.

Me: I gotta be going.
Lisa: Where to?
Me: A seventh grade cello recital.
Dan: Why to?
Me: Really? It’s two in the afternoon. Are you that drunk?
Dan: I like to. That’s why.

Me: Well there’s no arguing with that statement.
Gordon: It’s impossible to argue with nonsense.
Dan: Good point…y head. You have a pointy head!
Lisa: It’s more like, egg shaped.
Gordon: I hate you guys.