I‘m sure you know all about the global business side of my buddy and fellow PIC blogger Julian Asange. But lemme tell ya, that dude is one crazy mofo. Every now and then I catch him on the ol Facebook chat and find out what the hell he's really been up to…

Julian Assange dancing at a barCourt 
So Jules, what was the last good decision you made?

Julian
to go to a dubstep show this weekend

Court 
How much did that cost?

Julian 
i took acid, molly, adderall, xanex, lorazepam, drank, smoked weed, and snorted coke that night
also took an antidepressant, smoked a cigarette, and drank a four loko (the original with caffeine) so i was on 11 drugs at once asdj;kla

Court 
Wow, that's quite a balancing act.
You must still be feeling the effects of one or more of those at this point…

Julian 
the nicotine

Court 
Tough habit to quit.

Julian 
but yea usually i dont do all that but i just kept not being ready for a dubstep show so i kept taking more drugs trying to be like everyone else
like everyone else was you know, like “wanting to talk to girls” and “happy” and stuff

Court 
So which one put you over the edge and into the mix?

Julian 
the last drug i did was coke and that was the only thing all night that really made me happy/social/gave me the effect i wanted
which it usually doesn't make me social
but it did then
it was like a key was flipped
or whatever the expression
i suddenly woke up metaphorically

Court 
Where were you?

Julian 
when i did the coke i was at an afterparty which was a cramped basement college kegger but instead of your normal one of those, there was a dubstep dj playing (one of the openers) and EVERYONE was just openly passing around pieces and smoking devices of every kind
no what were you gonna say?
i hate when it says someone's typing and then they stop

Court 
asd;lfjkas

Julian 
it's like “say it asshole”

Court 
Yeah I didn't picture you at a college party.
But that seems like a ripe place for your brand of innovation.

Julian 
but yea this dude we never met sold us coke in a dollar bill so we did key bumps off of it and then i gummed what we couldn't key and then to make sure i got it all i licked the dollar bill and said “this is how much i love coke”

but the dubstep concert before that was in the University Center in this really new building that has like you know the university store, cafeteria, shit like that
like usually a respectable place where people are doing professional things
but for one night only it was taken over by A TON of people tripping and rolling

Court 
The only thing I've ever seen in a university center is a step show.

Julian 
like seriously….it was just the largest group of sketchy/hippy looking ppl ive ever seen except for bonnaroo but the weirdest thing was the fact that they were in this building rolling and tripping for a college-sponsored event
like it's hard to explain but it was quite the sight
i for sure thought the show was gonna get shut down before the main act
it was baaad

Court 
So where did you manage to find an original Four Loko? That seems like a tough find.

Julian 
when the original four loko was being taken down BY THE GOVERNMENT i went and bought like 50 of them and then i had my mom buy 50 or so of them for me for christmas

Court 
Ahh bringing family in for the lifeline. What's Mommasange up to these days anyway?

Julian 
buying four loko for me in heaven

Court 
Glad to hear it. Well we'll have to go to a dubstep show together sometime, sounds fun.

Julian 
glad to hear it haha
yea we should
like ok i didn't think it was going to be super cool or anything, i have impeccable taste in music so i'm sure i've scoffed before at the thought of dubstep or like seeing skrillex or someone as a headliner at a festival
BUT
i was fuckin wrong….like i can't explain it

Court 
The drugs?
Or no, it was the triplet beats…

Julian 
being at a dubstep concert while tripping is unlike anything

Court 
And it was 18+ to get in right?

Julian 
i saw a couple kids even younger than that too
it's like “noooooo, this will ruin your childhood. all these people are ON DRUGS, don't you understand that”
although i guess if you were a kid and you saw a ton of people waving around colorful lights and wearing colorful lights you would be like “yea, this is life”
like that kind of shit is normal for little kids
or it's kind of like a real life cartoon

Court 
You once said that drugs were the only thing that got you through childhood.

Julian 
did i? i once said that i wouldn't have graduated college with adderall.
GUARANTEED
did i really say that?

Court 
You did. You might have been blacked out, but you definitely said it.

Julian 
ha
that sounds bad tho. and the being on 11 drugs at once

Court 
You were fingering a Taco Bell bean burrito at the time.

Julian 
alsdfkj;
i'm not a bad person i swear

Court 
We're all just a product of our environment… so if you grow up on acid and hang out at dubstep shows, that's normal, right?

Julian 
haha

did i actually say that drugs got me through childhood

Court 
Bro, I wouldn't lie.

Julian 
and if so was i being serious

Court 
I feel like you're attacking me now.
Let's just do some Adderall and focus on each other.

Julian 
no haha i believed you but then you said the taco bell thing so i thought it was all a leadup so i had to ask again to make sure
haha agreed
and i just didn't know if maybe i said it as a joke
but i totally could've said that and meant it

Court 
The way you said it wasn't proud.
That's how I knew you were serious.
That and whenever you finger bean burritos I know you're digging deep for answers.

Julian 
although i didn't start doing drugs til junior year of high school so what i should've said is “drugs got me through the end of my childhood”
lol
and what do u mean the way i said it? elaborate cos i don't remember this exchange
sorry if this is getting 2 dr. phil

Court 
No I understand. These 3 girls had just dropped you off in the Taco Bell parking lot and you kind of wandered up to me inside looking glazed.

Julian 
right

Court 
So I knew you had just gotten a handjob, because that always puts you in a bad mood.
And then you just started venting.

Julian 
right

Court 
You never even ate the bean burritos, you just covered your hands in tortilla and went to town.

Julian 
was i crying or screaming

Court 
Crying. More like whimpering.
You told me you needed to use the bathroom, then you closed your eyes for 7 minutes and said “nevermind.”
Do you remember this or no?

Julian 
adsa;
vaguely
was i sitting on the ground in the drive thru

Court 
No…

Julian 
cos ive done that

Court 
How did cars get around you?

Julian 
while having a drunken crying handjob-related breakdown
they would relay their orders to me and i would say the orders in that crying, spouting-out-words-while-choking voice people make when crying excitedly
and then i would say “ok they have order #53 inside”
“thank you for using taco bell drive thru”

Court 
Oh ok, that seems very Taco Bell.

Julian 
i like how it's like i never even mentioned that i came on a girl while she was sleeping this weekend

Court 
Well no, I was actually wondering if you paid for that or not. I assume you did, but if so, do you think she really fell asleep, or is she just a really good actor-prostitute?

Julian 
we fucked and then i got soft then she fell asleep. shortly thereafter, i decided to masturbate with my hand on her butt cos that's how she fell asleep so i didn't move it for fear of her waking up. it took me forever, there were times i thought to myself “i may not cum. no, i'm GOING to cum, come on.” it took at least an hour and a half of vigorous hand to penis and tons of KY but i finally came
all the people who get paid for sex that are good actors go into porn
i know she was actually asleep too because of the consistent soft snoring WHICH OBV DIDN'T HELP
although it was also a source of relief in a way because if she would've stopped snoring that would've meant she would be waking up and that would've been a really weird way to wake up. would've made things awkward
i would've had to explain
no my sperm always just kinda crawls out.
well ok they make little jumps, but there is very little airtime so there would be no chance so i never tried
that's why i'm on the board of directors of the Slow Sperm Foundation
i used to be the ceo but i always came too late
to tha meetings

Court 
As;dofijasdfas
Wow, the Slow Sperm Foundation. That has to be the worst source of leaks imaginable.

Julian 
they were all like “Julian, we can tell you really care about this issue and have done so many great things for us slowcomers, getting people to change their perception of slowcomers, getting slowcomer characters on tv shows to spread the word and show the truth, but it just seems your mind is elsewhere and so we'd like you to find somewhere else to cum slowly”
or something like that
“we need to cum in different directions”

Court 
Totally deflating.
They should have been more forthcoming.

Julian 
“our semen can no longer dribble out throughout the country with you”
“let's spread our semen, our message, but not with each other”
paraphrasing here
i'm not like autobiographical authors and memoir writers who remember all these conversations and events that happened like 20 years ago
i can remember like three things tops that happened from before i was 13

might've been the drugs i did during that time period
i learned how to use a vaporizer before i learned to walk

Court 
And then it's like you're walking on thin air.

Julian 
my first words were “hey man, u know where to get any green?”

Court 
I think your memory is pretty good, all things considered.
The Slow Semen Foundation probably wasn't the best use of your time/semen anyway.

Julian 
i wrote the script to how high when i was 3 

Court 
Oh come on, are you saying that's a remake?

Julian 
drugs are the only thing that got me through my childhood

Court 
Bean burrito??!
a;sdljfasdfasdf
Alright man, it's been good talking, I'm hungry now.
I'll prob catch you in the Taco Bell drive-thru this weekend.
If things go well.


And now a quick joke...

When I was a kid my grandma’s idea of road safety was hugging me tighter in the backseat. Now my grandma complains that a mask hugs her face too tightly, and that’s called carma.