A few days ago, the NFL called a timeout in a 14 year old select baseball game. I'll explain.
Last Sunday, I was umpiring an AAU baseball game (I don't know what AAU stands for, by the way). These games are always fun because the fourteen year olds who play in the league are the best fourteen year olds in the area. Errors are rare, the games are intense, and the fans and coaches are incredibly gracious to quality umpires. Which is nice.
What was not nice, however, was the fact that the Bucs were playing the Eagles while I was behind the plate umpiring. Fortunately, I had Little TV Guy in my corner.
(Little TV Guy is, as the name implies, the guy who brings a portable television to a sporting event so he can monitor both the game he is at and the game he wishes he was at. In 2004, when the St. Louis Cardinals were in the LCS and USF was playing Louisville, I was Little TV Guy at Raymond James Stadium. It can happen to anyone. All you really need is a little TV.)
Little TV Guy sat within thirty feet of me and shouted out Bucs game highlights while I umpired. For example, shortly after I called a runner safe at the plate, Little TV Guy yelled, “Barber got his second interception for a touchdown.” Before that, I had rung up a kid for strike three and little TV Guy had yelled, “McNabb's throwing up on the field.” Little TV Guy was Jonny on the Spot with those highlights. Quite frankly, he did the best Little TV Guy work of anyone since the Little TV Guy who kept me updated on Cardinals opening day in 2003. And you'll just have to believe me when I say, that's saying something.
Anyway, when Matt Bryant prepared to line up for his 62 yard field goal, Little TV Guy had the defining Little TV Guy moment of the game, and perhaps of my lifetime. I had just struck out a hitter for the first out. There was nobody on base. And that's when I heard Little TV Guy yell, “Matt Bryant's attempting a 62 yard field goal for the game.”
“Time,” I yelled, stopping the game. “Did you say 62 or 52?”
“62,” yelled Little TV Guy.
“No way he makes that,” said the new batter.
“Holy shit,” yelled Little TV Guy. “He made it. It's the second longest filed goal in the history of the NFL. Wow. Bucs win.”
“Wow,” said the catcher. “That's like history right there.”
“You guys ready to play?” I asked.
And they both nodded.
“Play,” I yelled.
And the baseball game continued.
I mean, you gotta love football.
Now, before we go on to this week's picks, I have some bad news about Stoner Chick. (For those of you don't know, Stoner Chick is an 18 year old pizza shop employee who works next to my office and helped me pick the games last week.) It turns out that, due to a shortage of hot chicks on the night shift, Stoner Chick will no longer be working when I am working. She has invited me to visit her during her shifts and I'm considering doing just that, but well, I mean the girl is only 18. Anyway, I'm thinking about bringing her back for next week's picks. She definitely won't be a weekly installment, but maybe I'll have her over at my apartment one night or something. Maybe. This is a big maybe, here. (Aww, who the hell am I kidding?)
And by the way, I just want to take this opportunity to thank those readers who actually encouraged me to date an 18 year old, pot-smoking chick so that I could make their lives more entertained. Honestly, you guys are the best. I mean that. No, seriously.
All right, enough babbling. On to the picks. Home teams in CAPS.
TITANS (-3) over Texans
I have no idea what's going on with these two teams. I've been so busy with writing, working two jobs, monitoring the World Series and blowing off attractive women (I'm an idiot) that I just haven't been able to follow football as much as I would like. At any rate, both of these teams seem to be improving and um? special teams?. Vince Young?. Fuck, I need to start researching this shit. God, am I lazy.
Jaguars (+7) over EAGLES
The fucking Eagles are cursed. Absolutely and without a doubt. I mean, what in the name of McNabb's vomit happened to them last week? Their offense fell apart and got whipped by an aged defense and then they lost the game on a 62 yard field goal? A 62 yard field goal! Anyway, that game inspired the following conversation between Main and me:
Main: I read in the paper that because the weather was so hot, and because heat rises, that actually helped the kick. But that's weird, because you would think all the humidity would have hurt the kick, you know, because moisture makes the air so dense.
Me: So, what they're saying is that dry and hot would be the best situation to kick in, but that air temperature has a greater effect on a football than the level of humidity.
Main: Yeah. I mean, I guess so.
Me: Wow, I think we almost came to a conclusion there.
Main: Almost.
Falcons (+31/2) over BENGALS
For this pick, I'm channeling my inner Paul Maguire:
“I want you to watch the decline of this Cincinnati team over the next few weeks. Watch how they fail to cover a spread for three games in a row. Watch how overrated they are. I mean, you talk about an overrated team. You talk about a team that is getting way too much credit from the media. You talk about a team that has America fooled. Watch this, watch this. I want you to watch the confused looks on the faces of the gamblers in this Vegas sports book. Wow. I mean, that is one overrated team. Just killing the gamblers. Flat out killing them.”
Bucs (+91/2) over GIANTS
This spread is crazy talk. Absolute crazy talk. It's insane. The Bucs dispatched the Eagles and the Bengals in the last two weeks and this is the kind of love they get? Well fine, I'll take the money, but next time the Bucs play the Giants on the road, I want a little respect. I mean, what's a man gotta do?
BEARS (-161/2) over 49ers
If we lived in the kind of world I want for our future children, this would be the Rex Grossman sound byte from after last week's Monday Night mess:
“The thing is, Brian Urlacher bet me that there was no way I could win a game against the Cardinals while I was drunk on Grey Goose and stoned on Xanax. And no one challenges me like that and gets away with it. No one.”
And while we're here, I mean, it's already Week 8. Where's my obligatory Rex Grossman season-ending injury? I ordered it seven weeks ago and it's still not here. Baffling. I mean, I'm baffled over here. Just baffled.
PACKERS (+31/2) over Cardinals
I don't think Matt Leinart has ever seen anything like Lambeau Field in the cold. And since I have nothing else to add, here's an actual quote from my father:
“You know what sucks? And you should write about this. I got damn fed up with this crappy Tim McCarver and his lousy announcing in the World Series so I decided to turn on the radio guys and just put up with the delay. Now, the damn delay is like five seconds more than it used to be, so it's practically impossible to enjoy the game. I asked [good friend] Nicky why this was and he says that the FCC put all of the stations on extended delays because of fucking Janice Jackson and her fucking nipple in the Super Bowl a few years ago. So great. Because Janice Jackson shows her nipple, I have to sit here and listen to Tim McCarver. What an injustice. You should definitely write about that.”
Hey, at least he got Janet's last name right.
Seahawks (+6) over CHIEFS
I almost picked the Chiefs because of the whole Arrowhead Stadium mystique, but then I remembered that last week's Chief's game was basically a mental match up between coach Edwards and coach Schottenheimer. Even a mentally challenged clock-gawker like Edwards can figure out what Marty will do on the road. Marty's easier to read than a billboard. And about as risque'.
And yes, I know that Seneca Wallace is starting for the Seahawks. And I know all about the Chiefs alleged resurgence. And I know enough not to put money on this one but well, I just have a feeling. A gut instinct, if you will. Or if you won't.
Really, it's all the same to me.
SAINTS (-2) over Ravens
This spread is an insult to every stripper, hooker, street performer, black jack dealer, drug dealer, musician, poet, chef, and gutter drunk who calls this fine city home. I mean, if I were the kind of person who put money on football games, this might be one of the games I put money on.
I'm just saying.
Rams (+9) over CHARGERS
Schottenheimer's “Guide to Coaching” book actually has a chapter entitled, “There's No Reason to Beat a Good Team by Ten Points.” My only problem with that book is that it's so conservative, the cover jacket won't even come off.
(That was my Jay Leno impression. Sorry you had to be a part of it.)
Steelers (-9) over RAIDERS
Now that the Raiders have won a game, and they know they won't go 0-16 for the season, Art Shell can finally mellow out a little. I mean, football players can only handle so much intensity.
Seriously though, the Raiders are no longer gambling fodder. They have covered two spreads and won a game. I feel proven wrong, here. Still, I think if you bet against them every week, your annual investment will beat its Lipper average, whatever the hell that is.
Jets (+2) over BROWNS
Okay, I can't believe I'm typing this but the umm? the Jets you see? I mean it's possible? I mean not exactly probable but well? you know the Jets they could ummm?. Fuck, I'll just spit it out.
The Jets have a shot at the playoffs this year.
(That hurt me way more than it hurt you.)
Colts (+3) over BRONCOS
First off, let me thank the Denver Broncos for finally ending my breaking-even streak at four weeks. I put $50 on them and only them last week because a) I felt good about the game and b) the spread involved a half point so there was absolutely no way I could push. And, in case some of you are wondering what it's like to have a bookie, here is the actual conversation my bookie and I had last Saturday:
Me: The usual on the Broncos.
Bookie: Who else?
Me: That's it.
Bookie: You never just take one. What gives?
Me: You really give a shit?
Bookie: Nope.
Me: Have a good one.
Bookie: You too.
I mean, you just can't beat The Nate Way for insight. I'm like CNN and stuff.
PANTHERS (+5) over Cowboys
It's the Tony Romo game,
Tony Romo game,
It's the Tony Romo game,
Tony Romo game.
The Big D'll never be the same
'cause it's the Tony Romo game,
Coach Bill's obviously insane,
'cause he's bringing you,
Yes he's bringing you,
You know he's giving you
The Tony Romo game.
It's the Tow Nee Row Mow Gaaaaame!
I have to be the most excited non-Cowboy fan about the Tony Romo era. Win or lose, snow or shine, we now have evidence that Bill Parcells is senile and we have a chance to see a pipsqueak, fifth year rookie shove it in everyone's face. No matter how this unfolds, it'll be entertaining. That's for sure. This is football's version of “The Karate Kid.” I mean, just typing that sentence made me smile.
Patriots (-2) over VIKINGS
This spread opened at three and then everyone and their brother jumped on the Minnesota action because of what they did at home against The Seahawks last week, moving the spread down to two, which would make sense if Seattle's starting quarterback had survived the game. I'm sorry, but just 'cause you could handle Seneca Wallace does not mean you can handle Tom Brady.
By the way, I love the name, Seneca Wallace. It sounds like some kind of special version of a luxury car. I can just hear some suburban yuppie telling his neighbor, “Yeah, I got the Wallace package on my Seneca.”
Just me on that one?
My bad.
Last Week: 8-4-1
Overall Record: 49-45-6
Labels: NFL_picks