There are few things in life I hate more than starting an article with the phrase, "there are few things in life I hate more than…" and yet I do it anyway.  That says something about me and I don't want to know what.

Why do liberals and conservatives both want my rights and my money?  Shouldn't we have a group of popular politicians who want to restore our rights and protect our money?  Why do I never respect any person who wants to rule?  And why do I want to rule any person that wants my respect?  These questions all have answers that I'm sure I won't like. 

I have not found one alcoholic beverage that goes with Mountain Dew.  And I doubt I ever will. 

Strippers are best when they're Ecstasy heads, like hot rods running on nitrous oxide. 

The older I get, the more impressed I am by quality gravies and soups.  No kid out there has any idea what kinds of gravy and soup he or she will experience in a lifetime.  This alone is worth postponing the afterlife.  This alone. 

I would like to see billboards get more soothing and inspirational.  I think that would help with road rage. 

I would like to see more road rage. 

You know how sometimes you'll call someone and the message voice will say, "please enjoy the music until your party is reached" and then you have to listen to someone else's music?  Why can't that default to my music?  It's stored in my phone.  I mean, I know I'll enjoy music I like until my party is reached, why should my party risk upsetting my delicate taste in tunes?

Next time you walk in to a party, you should say to the nearest person, "Alright, the party is reached."  I would do it but it's kind of lame.  So it's all on you.  You're quite the sport. 

And finally, because logic and fluidity are busy contemplating the love of an ungodly burrito, I leave you with the following, which I heard a waitress say:

"The worst thing about a bad economy is that it's an excuse to be cheap."

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