38 year-old Rod Beck, former major league pitcher and definite fat guy, died of natural causes over the weekend, making him yet another of many former athletes to die young, which may lead some people to believe that illicit drug use might be part of the life of professional athletes. And to those people I say, “Shhhh. Barry Bonds is coming up to bat.”

I don't care what anyone says, blonde chicks, whipped cream, strawberries, inflatable pools, salad tongs, whips, chains and cinder blocks all go together like peanut butter and KY jelly. It's the American way.

The US Supreme Court recently ruled that displaying a huge banner that reads, “Bong Hits for Jesus” during a public high school-sponsored event is not protected by free speech. Which begs the question, “What the fuck happened to freedom?”

The hardest thing about having a job is going to it. Or perhaps the hardest thing about having a job is finding discreet places to masturbate during work hours. I guess it depends on the day.

Today, the Supreme Court ruled that federal taxpayers cannot challenge the constitutionality of the White House's efforts to help religious groups obtain government funding. Because Church and State man, they tight. Like coochey ooze and silk panties, bitches. Coochey ooze and silk panties.

Yesterday, I declined to go out and get drunk because I heard that there were checkpoints all over North Tampa. So I went for a drive to check out the truth behind this rumor, and sure as shit, there were cops everywhere, which means I must live in a pretty cool place. I mean, Sunday night DUI checkpoints? Oh yeah, we party here in Tampa. It's not just a weekend thing with us. All y-ending days are worthy of a good drunking down here. Kinda makes me proud to call this place home.

Yesterday, for no particular reason I could tell, a really old bum asked me if I was related to Jayne Mansfield. After I told him no, he replied, “One of these days?” Then he started yelling something about paper monkeys having all the answers. There's something poignant about that exchange? Isn't there?

And finally, because logic and fluidity need to get their act together and start saving up for an I-Phone, I leave you with the following, which was told to me by a bartender I know.

“I would marry my boyfriend if I honestly believed he could hold a job.”

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