Life Alert® Personal Medical Emergency Response gives you and your loved ones peace of mind you won't find anywhere else. Life Alert has saved the lives of millions and is becoming the most essential thing to own for seniors over the age of 50.

With Life Alert, a button pendant your loved one wears around their neck, anytime they fall down or have any other life-threatening injury, one push of that convenient necklace and emergency help will be there right away.

Life Alert can save the lives of your loved ones, time and time again. For instance, imagine Grandma is complaining a bit too much about how cold it is, and next thing you know, Grandma has a toaster-sized and toaster-shaped bruise on her face. You can push her Life Alert button as she is fading in and out of consciousness, and after talking to the Life Alert dispatchers and telling them she fell down the stairs, it's nothing—emergency medical help will be over within minutes.

Or imagine Gramma won't take her fucking medicine. How fucking hard is it to swallow three fucking pills? Well, suddenly Gramma's suffering from a drowning-like condition in the family toilet. The funny part is, Uncle Garry didn't flush after he pissed. And shit. But the sad part is Gramma needs CPR and you're not gonna be the guy going mouth-to-mouth with your Gramma, whose face and mouth is layered in piss and Uncle Garry's shit. With Life Alert, your smelly Gramma will be taken away to a hospital where she will get the care she needs on the path to recovery and a healthy, long life.

Or like that one time, when Grandma would just NOT. Fucking. Stooooppp talking on that ride to the funeral home for Grandpa's funeral. And before you could even put the window up when her head is still in it, you open her door, rip out her seatbelt, and throw her out of the vehicle onto bustling Interstate 495. It's just her luck, too, that coming down the other lane is an 18-wheeler at 74 miles per hour. It always seemed like Grandma had nine lives, but after getting run over by nine wheels, I think they're all used up.

It's too bad to think, if only. If only we would've had Life Alert, as Grandma was lying dead on the freeway, constantly getting mauled by a parade of cars who have not realized what that bump in the road is yet, she could've pressed her button and told the Life Alert staff "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!™"