As if we somehow forget that the news was on everyday, three times a day, several stations for 24 hours a day, a local affiliate of a trio lettered network has been begun airing “switch over” commercials on other stations.
As the spot opens an attractive African-American female anchor will turn to the camera and nicely remind you that the news will be on soon:
“Please take a minute and turn to channel 4 because knowing what is going on your community is good for the whole community. Don't forget, the news is there for you.”
Well, not for me it's not. And for the record, I hadn't forgotten that the nightly news airs every night. I hate watching the news, especially crappy local news that always features stories about some idiot who got shot or left their baby underneath their shopping cart at Target, but that's not the real reason I don't tune in at 7 and 11. I was classically trained in the Lore of Hollywood and I know that anytime that a character turns on the news during a TV show or movie whatever story is being aired directly affects the characters in the scene:
“What's for dinner, honey?”
“Pot roast. I had it cooking all day.”
“Great. I'm just going to see what the weather is going to be like tomorrow.”
::clicks on TV::
“-relationship expert Bo Babney recently published an article on how to know if your mate is cheating on you. Her advice? If they’re suddenly going all out by making a pot roast after feeding you nothing but microwave dinners for weeks.
CUT TO: STACK OF HUNGRY MAN DINNERS IN TRASH
FLASH CUT TO: HONEY’S FACE. IT IS THE PORTRAIT OF AGONY. NOT QUITE DARTH-VADER-IN-REVENGE-OF-THE-SITH AGONY, BUT CLOSE
Badly written screenplay aside, I figure if I never watch the news, I’ll never have to worry about the common household item I use everyday that’s plotting my death, or whatever ‘color’ I’m supposed to be alerted to according to some idiot. I don’t even have to feel warm and cuddly because some woman has made it her life’s work to save squirrels that have been hit by cars.
I don’t have to feel. And not feeling is good.