Look, I understand you're upset. But all the whining in the world isn't going to do anything. Hell, even making a Facebook group isn't going to do anything; you can't fight the evil Zuckerberg empire using its own tools. That would be like if Luke and Lukette tried to take down James Earl Jones by getting all of his minions to sign a petition (note: this might have been what they actually did, I didn't see the movie).

If you're really serious about getting your voice heard, you're going to have to wobble tediously down the thin chalk line that separates heroism and illegality. You're going to have to put down your laptop, put on your big boy pants and pick up the sceptre of destiny. Make sure you take your phone, though, so you can change your status on the way.

(Note: Do NOT write what you're actually doing in your status. As we both know, everybody reads and cares every time you change your status, and you don't want to alert the spies. Stick to what you're wearing, or that you have a test, or whether you like syrup).

Step one is figuring out where you're going. Google the directions to Mark "Wahlberg" Zuckerman's house. If that doesn't work, you're going to have to use hacking skills. If you don't currently have hacking skills, I suggest you rent a movie, such as Swordfish, or that Die Hard movie with the guy from those commercials. If there's one thing that those movies taught me, it's that hacking is very easy and can be done from anywhere. Once you're done hacking, and you know his address, gather up your cronies and book a flight.

Once you're at his house, you're going to be tempted to abort your mission. You're going to be put off by the expensive security systems and snarling guard dogs. You're going to remember the looming threat of police intervention, legal ramifications and possible jail time. Forget about all of this. No jury in the world would convict you, after they found out that the layout of Facebook had been changed without your input. Caveat Propter Hoc, I believe the Latin term is.

Once you've eluded security and the dogs, it's time to do some rearranging. Stuff all of his living furniture into his bathroom. Put his refrigerator in his bedroom so he can "keep up with it in real time". Install a tiny camera in his shower so his friends can see what he's doing in there. Replace his stable of vapid ne'er do well women with similar ones that don't speak English. Sow confusion and discord in any way you can. While you were doing this, one of your cronies should have been distracting him with a pitch to buy Facebook and start networks based on Federal prisons. If you have failed to do this, I'm sorry, you're going to prison. You have to think ahead. But hey, it could be worse. If all goes well, you might even get to join a new Facebook network.

Once his meats are in his bedroom, his couch is next to the toilet and his floozies are speaking Swahili, it's time to book it. You done good, kid. Before you go, make sure you leave a note on his dining room table (it should go without saying that this should now be a foosball table). It should read, in bold letters:

What's on your mind?

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