Back when I was a stupid kid, before I became a stupid adult (seriously, I’m an adult. The judge told me) Kentucky Fried Chicken changed it’s name to KFC, I assume because they figured that in a few generations, people would forget what it stood for and they could start selling Kittens for Children (but I’ve been told it’s because they wanted to distance themselves from the word, fried. Whatever). At any current exchange rate, I recently purchased some chicken from this fine institute of fast fried food and I noticed that the word ‘fried’ was back on my bucket. I asked the lady at the drive-thru why they had done that and she said, very appropriately, “I don’t know. Shit. You think they asked me about it?”

No, honey. I’m sure they didn’t.

Stuff like this keeps me up at night. I mean, what were the people at Yum, Incorporated thinking here? Did they do some sort of telephone poll and find out that ninety percent of all Americans knew what KFC stood for and were still pissed about being lied to? Did they finally realize that almost all their chicken was fried? Did some KFC VP wake up one day, realize he was ready to retire and say to himself, “screw it, we’re going back to the way things used to be—the way my predecessor wanted it.”?

All I’m saying here is, I’d like an explanation. Ever since Prince changed his name to a symbol, we’ve been letting American icons change their names without any reason whatsoever. From now on (and I’m talking to you Puff-Daddy-Diddy-P-Funk), I want a detailed explanation of every name change to every American icon. I think, as a consumer, I’m entitled.

So the next time you go to KFC, take a good look at your bucket. And if you see any little baked kittens in there, make sure to ask the lady at the Drive-Thru what in the hell KFC stands for.

And don’t let the line move until you get the answer.


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