Despite what you may hear I am in fact a man. A male. A bloke. A lad. I am of the gender which God blessed (or cursed) with a penis. As a man I am also therefore shit. I am shit at relationships. I am shit at saying how I feel. I am shit at committing myself to anything other than a football team and a TV series. I am shit at telling the truth and shit at keeping promises. I don't do these things on purpose; it's just built into every mans genetics that we must constantly be a burden to all the women in our lives. Luckily I am also blessed with an uncanny ability to apologise and say I am sorry. I've apologised in the past for forgetting birthdays, for getting drunk with the boys and for staring at women's chests. I have apologised so much that it has become something of a second nature to say I'm sorry as soon as I enter a room just to get it out of the way.

In the past week alone I managed to offend a good 20 people who I would normally refer to as my friends. Whether it be though my refusal to get a ‘proper' job, my slagging off a popular morning radio host or simply turning up smashed at the doors of someone who I am supposed to be sharing a bed with, I am on something of a role when it comes to annoying those closest to me. And so today it is the turn for me to apologise to Abbey. The girl who I am meant to be ‘seeing.' But where to start for the apology? Should I apologise for not ringing her on Friday night/Saturday day so the first indication she gets that I am alive is when she sees a picture of me in my boxer shorts dry humping my friend Aidan on my ex girlfriends sofa? Should I apologise for turning up at her house off my tits on Saturday night and nearly burn her kitchen down as I attempt to make a bacon sandwich? Maybe I should apologies for chatting up everything with a pulse over the past few days or for passing out during sexual intercourse this morning? Maybe I should start out with the minor things I have done like filling out her sudoku wrongly or running around her living room wearing nothing but the new Arsenal kit until her father walks in and gets to see the lovely sight of my genitals. Fundamentally though I know what I will need to apologise for as it's the same things I have been saying sorry for  for most of my adult life.

TOm couch underwear
This is not the acceptable face of a man who is nearly thirty and supposed to be in a proper relationship.

Yeah I know; I am immature. I make silly mistakes. I can be selfish, jealous and arrogant. Sometimes I treat people like they are stupid. Sometimes I can be condescending. I can fly off the handle for the smallest reason. I try too hard to be cool. I find it incredibly hard to commit to girls. I am what most people (many of whom have experienced it first hand) a fucking nightmare to be in a relationship with. Abbey certainly seems to think so. And she has a point. And yet she continues to stay with me even though she is leaving the country in a few weeks. I asked her why today. Why bother with me? I am perfectly fine being on my own and I see no reason why anyone should subject themselves to the abject misery of being my better half. She smiled and kissed me on the forehead before saying that my heart is in the right place. And she's right. my heart is always in the right place. I think of some of the times I have had to apologise to girls in the past. Whether it is burning a meal they had prepared or coming home at 5 in the morning off my face it has always been down to simply trying to please too many people at once. A man nearly as clever as myself once said

‘You can please some of the people all of the time but not all of the people nearly some of the time.'
Or something like that.

Abbey is still ridiculously angry at me though and I cannot blame her. She asks me to name 5 nice thing I have done for ex girlfriends and friends in the past. Essentially if I cannot prove that I am a decent human being then she will break it off with me at that moment. I retrieve my little notebook that Olivia bought me for my birthday and concentrate on salvaging my relationship with the one girl in nearly two years who hasn't been repulsed with the idea of making love to me. It turns out that thinking of 5 times when I have actually been nice is pretty hard. Eventually I make the list and after showing it to Abbey she relents a bit and says that maybe I'm not so bad after all. This may be the case but I still think she is a bit of a weirdo to want to hear stories about me being nice to ex girlfriends. Still it keeps me in sex for the next few weeks before she heads to the West Indies and takes her vagina with her. But I now know that despite my natural faults and the fact that like every other man on this planet I am absolutely fucking useless I still have a few redeeming qualities. And that is a comforting thought.

Peace and love…

You thought I wasn't going to write the list then didn't you? Of course I am. It's one of the few times I will ever paint myself in a good light. I'm not going to pass up that opportunity! So here it is. The top 5 nicest things I have ever done for ladies in the past.

  • When I was about 17 me and my girlfriend had had an enormous argument. To
    make things up to her I ran her a bath and put rose petals on the water. I lit
    some candles and played the song Hero by Enrique Iglesias (our song). Sh
    actually cried a bit she thought it was that romantic. Of course once we got in
    the bath the mood was killed a bit by the fact that as a 17 year old student I
    actually really needed a good scrub and took full advantage of that fact.
  • Once I had swine flu (remember that?) and still went on a 4 hour drive with
    my lady friend at the time just to attend a f#*king wedding that I hadn't even
    really wanted to go to before I got sick. That's dedication.
  • For a good 7 months whilst working until 3 in the morning 5 days a week I
    would come home to find my girlfriend asleep in bed. I would then get about 4
    hours of sleep before waking myself up again; just so I could make her a cup of
    tea and say goodbye before she went to work.    
  • I was quite dismayed by this point to discover I was running out of things
    to say. Shit! I was going to lose Abbey just for being a crap boyfriend in the
    past. I racked my brains and remembered that I did look after my friends snake
    for 10 months whilst her and her boyfriend travelled the globe. She may not have
    been my partner and in truth I grew to love Stringer and didn't want to give him
    back but still, the thought was there.
  • Presents. I am an avid present giver. I like seeing peoples faces light up
    when they are unexpectedly given something. I used to buy presents for my
    girlfriends every payday without fail. Whenever I am going round someones house
    for drinks or food I always take a present with me. Some of my past classics
    have been some pancake mix, a French/English Dictionary, an umbrella which
    wasn't mine to give, some Ferrero Rocher, an atlas and a small teddy bear in a
    tin foil cape. I enjoy cheering people up and if I cannot do that with humour
    (it is a known fact that I instantly cease to be funny when someone is in a
    relationship with me) then I think gifts are the best way to go.
  • I am secretly Batman. Not partuclarly relevant but I thought it might sway
    her a little bit

I hold my breath and look at Abbey. She smiles and puts down the complete collection of Winnie the Pooh books I have bought her to say sorry. She kisses me on the forehead again and tells me I'm not all bad and after she leaves the continent the girl I get with next will be lucky to have me. I smile as I realise she is not ending things with me. Our blissful affair can continue so I feel I don't have to inform her that I made at least one of the items on the list up entirely. What can I say. The world loves a bastard.

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