(The booze keeps me warm)

I've lived in New York City and North Dakota, two places not well known for glorious weather, but let me tell you, Korea kind of takes the cake. (Which city smells worse, NYC or Seoul is anybody's guess, but Seoul is definitely cleaner and friendlier.) Every season, is pretty awful, but being a weatherman in Korea must be pretty nice, because once the weather changes, it stays like that until the season ends.

So here's my imagination if I became a Korean weather man:

WINTER: Well guys and gals, it's going to be cold. Real cold. Except, unlike other cold spots, you're not going to see any snow to make the iciness worth it. You're just going to freeze you rump roast off. Makes you really glad spicy kimchi (pickled cabbage) and soju (Korean rice wine) cost less than bottled water. Plus, semi-legalized whores can always keep you warm, as long as your skin color's right. I'm KC Weatherman, you're the best Korea!

SPRING: Hey assholes, I hope you brought your umbrellas, because it's monsoon season. I know, not a single guidebook has ever mentioned a sentence about a monthlong-period when the sky does nothing but shitpiss rain, but here it is. If you want to see the sun, I think there's a National Geographic documentary at 10:30 p.m. I'm KC Weatherman, you're the best Korea!

SUMMER: Remember when you said, "Dear Jesus and Buddha, please end this fucking rain?" Well, your prayers are answered. Unfortunately it's so hot and humid, you're constantly covered in your own slime and mosquito larvae. It's like that annoying stereotypical asshole always says, "It's not the heat, it's the humidity." However, in Korea, the heat and the humidity will just make you sweat like all the fat foreigners. But hey, at least it ain't raining! I'm KC Weatherman, you're the best Korea!

FALL: Here's the time of year when the Korean Soccer League begins, the heat ends and life in the Land of the Morning Calm isn't awful with one extreme or another. Okay, well, I'll be back to report in a few days when winter starts again. I'm KC Weatherman, you're the best Korea!

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