Rare is it that I feel anything but apathy for things related to television. If I can’t masturbate to it, or drink beer to it, I don’t really give a shit. I don’t get psyched for Will and Grace. I didn’t cry when I saw Old Yeller on TBS. I think Paula Zahn is kinda hot, but I could care less about her opinion.

But, reader, I’ll tell you right now…I hate Jamster. I hate it with the fire of a thousand suns. I hate it more than cats, vegetables, Air Supply and minorities combined.

You might be wondering, what is this thing you call “Jamster?” Well, you’re either not a casual television watcher or you’re enthusiastic enough to change channels during commercial breaks. But, being as you people are lucky enough to not have experienced Jamster, I’ll briefly explain it.

You see, Jamster is an evil text-subscribing-based ringtone/wallpaper conglomerate. They make money through putting what appears to be insanely generous offers of free ringtones and wallpapers through mainstream cable television channels around 11PM. Then they charge outrageous hidden fees to suckers dumb enough to fall in to the trap.

They’re advertisements go something like:

Text Flava4 now to get the Poly Tone for Put it in her Asian Pussy delivered right to your cell phone! (standard fees apply)

Text GOD3 now and get The Position of the Ark of the Covenant wallpaper now! (first born son required)

etc. etc. etc.

The reason these are on television, though, really bugs me. On some level, they're actually making money. Or enough to advertise. So, if you've done this thing, in all honesty, I think you're an idiot. Unless you're a middle school cheerleader. Then, you can talk to Nate DeGraaf. He's all about you, baby.

But in all seriousness, the music thing doesn't bother me so much. People like to “personalize” their cell phones. I have Velvet Revolver's “Slither” guitar solo for my ringtone. What really pisses me off is that the same company who does the music shit also do these:

“Impress your friends! Make the joke of the day your joy of the day!”

I don't know about YOU, but I can come up with lame jokes on my own. Hell, I do every week! (plug the column!). Also, the phrase “joy of the day” pisses me off. “Joy” doesn't last for a day. “Joy” lasts a very long time. It's how people who get laid everyday by a different supermodel feel. The temporary feeling would be “happiness.” Joy is something that I, for one, don't possess. Though, things make me happy. For instance beer. Beer makes me very happy, but not joyous. I don't have enough money to make beer joyous.
I realize they're going for the “joke” and “joy” thing, but c'mon you fucking retards, if you're going to waste 3 commercials/commerical break, at least humor me. Or, get the fuck off TV. I don't watch it enough to want to break it everytime I turn it on.

So I just got caught typing this shit in anthro, so let me just say that jesus christ didn’t die on the cross so that you could have Wu-tang Clan on your Nokia 3100.

I'm still here, actually. Apparently if you shut your monitor off the dumbass professor doesn't know that you're typing something. I'm typing very slow and very deliberately without the monitor on. This is fucking hilarious. Okay okay now I have to find a way to post it. tab? how many times? fuck. let's give this a try