Before we start with the survey, I’ve got to vent a little bit…

Could we stop with the Jesus freak bulletins on MySpace? I’ve made my decision on religion and no amount of bullshit propaganda is going to make me change my mind. It’s so incredibly condescending that it pushes me FARTHER AWAY from religion altogether. I respect your faith, so can you please respect my lack thereof and refrain from constantly trying to jam your religion down my fuckin’ throat?

Deep breath.

Exhale slowly.

Proceed with entertainment.

Today’s Survey: A 50-part Questionnaire Devised by Some Idiot Who Can’t Count

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?
No, but I have been felt up by the drummer from the Police

2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters?
Not unless I ride a laser adventure called the “Retina Scrambler”

3. When's the last time you've been sleigh riding?
***Another rant*** Why are their retards out there who refer to “sledding” as “sleigh riding”? If you sit on a plastic board and slide down a hill, it’s “sledding”. If you sit in a horse-drawn sleigh, it’s “sleigh riding”. If I walk up to you out of the blue and smack you across the face, it’s because I overheard you say “sleigh riding” in casual conversation.

4.Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
For actual sleeping: alone

5. Do you believe in ghosts?
No, but I believe in hallucinatory drugs. Close enough, right?

6. What's your ‘Dirty Little Secret'?
Is anyone else worried that the All-American Rejects’ song might be about a 6 year-old?

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?
No, I think he killed his ex-wife.

8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?
When asked, “Any woman in the world or Angelina Jolie?” Brad Pitt picked Angelina Jolie. He should know. He has that option.

9. Can you honestly say you know ANYTHING about politics?
I know that our system of democracy is incredibly corrupt. Money governs all.

10. Do you know how to play poker?
Poker? I don’t even know ‘er!

Oh well. It's never stopped me before.

11. Have you ever stayed up for 48 hours?
Let’s put it this way. I pledged a fraternity.

12. Do you kill bugs that are in the house?
Yes, and I also killed a couple 40s watching “Ali G In Da House”

13. Have you ever cheated on a test?
Nothing pre-meditated

14. What's your current obsession?
Fantasy baseball

15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?

Yes. George Washington was the first President of the United States.

I just couldn’t keep my big mouth shut. Now everyone knows. How embarrassing.

17. Have you ever Ice Skated?
I wouldn’t really call it “ice skating”. It’s more like “temporary muscular dystrophy”.

18. How often do you remember your dreams?
People say, “if you die in your dreams, you die in real life.” Now, I don’t know if that’s true, but there is one thing I do know. If you blow your load in your dreams…

19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you were crying?
I’m not sure really. But if I’m with friends, it happens a lot.

20. Can you name 5 songs by The Beatles?

21. Do you believe in love at first sight?
I believe in instant boners. Does that count?

22. Do you know who Ba-Ba-Booey is?
Do you know how fucked Sirius is for paying Howard Stern $100 million a year?

23. Do you always wear your seat belt?
I always did. Then, last year, I got in a bad accident and the seatbelt saved me from serious injury at the very least. Now I always wear my seatbelt even more.

24. What talent do you wish you had?
The ability to do a standing back flip, because, come on, how sweet is that?

26. Do you like sushi?

27. Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident?
I didn’t avoid the accident, or the guardrail, but I did avoid all bodily harm.

28. What do you wear to bed?
A t-shirt, athletic shorts, and a fez.

29. Have you ever been caught stealing?
Only on a botched hit-and-run job

30. Do you truly hate anyone?
I don’t hate many people, just Yankees fans, Republicans, bigots, stupid people, bad drivers, teeny boppers, collar poppers, people who go tanning WAY too often, courtesy laughers, little kids, old people, ass holes, ass kissers, squandered talent, those born into wealth, that lame ass white guy on “Yo Momma”, people who drive Hummers, girls that don’t give hummers, anyone who thought Napoleon Dynamite was hilarious and proceeded to quote it for an entire year, Larry the Cable Guy, women with overdone plastic surgery, Jeremy Shockey, people too lazy to recycle, PIC plagiarists, and anyone who feels that regurgitated Chuck Norris jokes qualify as comedy. Other than that, I love everyone.

32. Rock and Roll or Rap?
Both or neither, depending on my all-encompassing mood.

33. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?
Jenna Jameson, but I’d triple-wrap it.

35. Do you have a relative in prison?

36. Have you ever sang in front of the mirror like your favorite singer?

Since you’ve been GOOOOONNNEEE – hey, what the hell? Don’t you knock?!

37. Do you know how to play chess?
Yes, but I don’t have much experience. You could say I’m a rook. Hcqpourfahufda;oidhfahfdoaihfd!!!1

Chess humor.

38. What food do you find disgusting?
Eggplant. That’s not a joke. Eggplant is repulsive.

39.Did you ever play, “I'll show you mine, if you show me yours?”
Yes, and 3 restraining orders later, I’ve given up on the game.

40. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their backs?
Yes, but I do it their faces all the time, so it doesn’t matter. That’s the whole point of having friends.

41. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew?
All the time: judges, singers of the national anthem, Ludacris, etc.

42. Have you ever been punched in the face?
No. You don’t want none of this.

43. When is the last time you threw up from drinking too much?
The last time I remember puking is the case-a-thon back in December, but I blackout a lot, so who knows if I’ve puked since then.

44. Have you ever walked out on a movie at the theater?
No, if I decide to spend the 10 bucks, it’s gonna be a good movie.

46. Do you ever sit through a bad movie, just to see how bad it was?

Yes, but it has to be on a completely transcendental level of bad.

47. Would you consider yourself obsessed with anyone?
David Ortiz. My love for him extends far beyond man-crush. Nate and Albert Pujols understand.

49. Have you ever met someone famous that you really wanted to meet?
Nope, but meeting famous people is pointless anyway. You need to get drunk with famous people for it to be worthwhile.

49. Have you ever been stood up?
Nope. I threaten all my potential dates.

50. Did you ever do something that you didn't want to, but did it just to fit in?

Yes, and I’m never going back to that gay bar ever again.

If you'd like to be my friend on MySpace, you must do one of three things:

1) Be a hot chick.
2) Flatter me by telling me how irresistably hilarious I am, or
3) Request to be my friend. (Although the first two can't hurt.)

In addition to pestering me with bulletins, you'll receive notices of new Balls to the Wall articles, as well as other wacky posts like these. Friend on.