I don't know about y'all, but I've been pretty damned disappointed roughly 9/10 times I've seen a movie in theaters during the last few years. 3:10 To Yuma was good, but I'm afraid I only liked it 'cause it was the first decent western to come along since Tombstone, but that's only if you don't count Serenity/Firefly as a western, which I don't. It is a hybrid.

Anyway, point is, I hate 90% of the crap (see? I divided) that I see in theaters, but I like going to movies, and we have a $1.50 theater on campus and another within a mile of NCSU. Even worse than not liking what I do see is my rash and infallible judgment against those movies I don't see. I have a fairly good deal of common sense, and to pay even one dime to watch National Treasure II: Book Of Secrets would be nothing less than waging a coup against rational thought.

So, being the well-meaning D-list internet philanthropist I am, I decided to survey the current cinema scene and provide you all with lightening-fast reviews of the trash (and some of the good stuffs) that is clogging our theaters nowadays. Now, just because they're covered here doesn't mean they're bad, or that I've seen them, or ever will. I actually really want to see No Country For Old Men, but I'll wait for DVD (read: my torrent to download). In the mean time, on with the summary judgments!

27 Dresses: The selfless perennial bridesmaid tries tricking viewers into thinking they will ever, ever find love. They won't.

Charlie Bartlett:
A smarmy, rich teen rebel? High schoolers who think their problems matter? Robert Downey Jr. as an anti-drug principal? The laughs are all in the premise.

Godzilla fucks a praying mantis. Hilarity ensues.

The Eye: 97 minutes of focusing on the one body part of Jessica Alba's that no one cares about.

Fool's Gold: Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson star as divorcees who hunt for sunken pirate treasure in the Bahamas. Theater-goers will be on the edge of their planks, pleading with a merciful God to kill either them or the characters after the first ten minutes.

Jumper: Upon discovering teleportation abilities, both Anakin Skywalker and Mace Windu trade in their lightsabers for shameful box office flops.

Juno: And you thought they couldn't make teenage pregnancy any funnier!

No Country For Old Men: Facing the collapse of our Social Security system, a mass exodus of senior citizens to prescription-friendly Canada is met with a sociopathic hitman hell-bent on harvesting the geriatric mob for their wrinkled, pliable pelts.

Rambo: kills everything, again.

There Will Be Blood: Based on Upton Sinclair's Oil!, Daniel-Day Lewis plays a silver prospector who stumbles upon a massive subterranean cache of blood, and must fight off Dracula and The Red Cross for control of this macabre underground river.

Untraceable: Unwatchable.

And now for this month's classic review!

Scarface: A coked-up Cuban with a God complex single-handedly ruins every episode of MTV Cribs.

Let me know how y'all liked this, and I may make it a monthly thing.