If you haven't signed in to Facebook yet today, I'm about to do you a HUGE favor: Today's new gift is a PAPER CRANE.

Not just any Paper Crane, THIS Paper Crane:

As you can probably tell, this is a Limited Edition Paper Crane only available to the first 1,000,000 buyers. That means when you buy this Limited Edition Paper Crane, you will be literally one in a million. Facebook thought it over long and hard and then Mark Zuckerberg stepped in and said, “NO, I will NOT have millions upon millions of Paper Cranes running around standing still out there on the monitor screens. It wouldn't be fair to all the other gifts, including the gay pride donkey, the cupcake with exactly 6 sprinkles, or the turtle ring float (the reason I built Facebook in the first place). Besides, I don't want this to turn into a money-making thing – $1 million in Paper Cranes and that's it. Then I want the instructions for folding this thing unfolded, shredded and burned.”

And they listened because Mark Zuckerberg himself is an icon.

So please, get your Limited Edition Paper Crane now before it's too late (end of June or whenever paper cuts begin to destroy morale at Facebook). I'm unfriending everyone without a Crane on July 1st, because I believe in the sanctity and exclusivity of friendship.

The early worm gets the bird – I don't want to fold your hand.

Join comedy classes at The Second City: Writing Satire for the Internet, Sketch Writing, and Writing for TV & Film start Feb 29. Use code "PIC" for 10% off by phone.