(I have no idea of the symbolism of this drawing, but you can probably guess it was not the kids' favorite day. The Korean letters behind the sketch of me is "KC" in Korean, while the other characters probably said "Is Fat"—but another kid erased it. [A skeptical eye would say, "KC probably drew that himself. But if you've seen my drawing skills, you know that's impossible.])
I'm still teaching in the ROK (Republic of Korea), and the kids are still making fun of me. Here's what's been going on lately. And if you're new to this segment, any name that isn't KC, is one of my students. Some of their names have been changed. Because I don't want you psychos to kidnap my cute little tykes.
LEO: Teacher, you're like a backwards person.
KC: How so?
LEO: Americans say Koreans have yellow skin. We also have white teeth.
LEO: You have white skin and yellow teeth.
(My neck is scarred from an emergency surgery)
TOM: Teacher, you are killer?
TOM: You have blood on your neck.
KC: Oh, that's a scar.
TOM: You killed somebody?
KC: Yes, I did. He asked too many questions.
TOM: So how did you get cut on your neck?
KC: Well, there's a lot of bears in America. And I was walking home from school and the bear wanted to eat me.
TOM: Did you kill him?
KC: Do you see the bear teaching you English?
LEO: Is that why you have so much fur on your arms?
KC: Exactly why.
KC: So this is our last day. Next term you may have Robert Teacher or Maggie Teacher.
LEO: There's a Robot Teacher?
KC: No. His name is Robert.
LEO: He's a Robot?
KC: Yes. He's a robot. Sent from the future to teach you English. Or, you may have Maggie Teacher.
(Kids all laugh)
KC: What's funny?
CHLOE: Teacher, Maggie means fish in Korean. Are we having a fish teacher?
KC: Uh, Maggie isn't a fish. That's her name.
LEO: A girl fish?
KC: Yes. She eats Korean boys.
KC: So Maggie Teacher means Fish Teacher in Korean. What does Casey Teacher mean?
KIDS: Ha ha.
KIDS: +%$*&@# Teacher.
KC: Gay Money Teacher?
KIDS: Yes. +%$*&@# Money.
KC: You're kidding me.
CHLOE: Like for Monopoly.
KC: Oh. GAME Money. Gay Money is a completely different thing.
LEO: Why are you so red? Is that funny?
CHLOE: What's Gay Money?
KC: So, moving on. What do you think's going to happen to the Swiss Family Robinson…
CHLOE: Teacher, your face is dirty.
CHLOE: There's dirt on your face. (I look in the mirror).
KC: No, those are whiskers. Not dirt. Here, feel. (Chloe rubs my face.)
CHLOE: Ouch! Your face is sharp!!!
KC (showing the kids postcards from the USA): And here's a postcard my mom sent from Steamboat Springs. That's in Colorado. Who thinks that looks like a neat place?
SALLY: I think it's nice.
KC: And here's one from Denver. North Dakota. Minnesota.
KC: What? Does Minnesota mean something in Korean?
CHLOE: It means, "Small Coca Cola."
KC: Oh, "Mini-Soda." I get it. Now aren't you just cute as a cupcake.
TOM: Where are all the fat people and McDonald's?
KC: Ugh. You know…
LEO: Teacher, you should have a big erection.
LEO: You know, a big erection for class.
KC: Kid, I don't know what the hell the media tells you, but Americans are not like that.
LEO: You know, Americans have big erections.
KC: Well, that much is true.
LEO: You know, every four years you have a big erection. We should have one in class. Don't you know what an erection is?
KC: Leo, it's pronounced "E-LEC-SHUN."
LEO: What's an erection?
KC: Ask your parents.