(The oven, after lovin', is always funny and fun.)

We all know what a Dutch Oven is. Or maybe you don't. If you're a little rusty on one of the greatest inventions of all time, here's the story about the birds and the bees and the ovens…

When a boy and a girl kind of care about each other the boy puts his weiner in the girl's devil hole. Then the boy passes out and the unsatisfied girl eventually drifts off to sleep. As they wake up, awkward conversation might begin, but instead of talking, the boy farts, passes gas, toots, or rips ass. To show his undying affection for his lady of the night, he stuffs her head under the covers so she can inhale nothing but his shit molecules. It's hilarious for all parties involved (except for the girl usually).

And this is what grown-ups call a "Dutch Oven."

But there are many types of ovens.

You see, a bajillion years ago or so, I seriously dated a girl and we hung out a lot. To show my affection and to punish her for being a female, I did my best to spread farts on her as often as possible. This grew difficult since we only slept in the same bed a few times a week. And sometimes it's hard to work up a good fart in bed. Even worse, she grew wise to my sinister plans and found escape routes.

So I started coming up with new types of ovens…

The Turkish Oven

After you've bathed or fucked your girlfriend in the shower, let out a nice steamy toot. Something about the humidity really keeps the smell in your bathroom. And it smells kind of like what I imagine a Turkish bathhouse smells like.

The Eskimo Oven

Sometimes you might find yourself fucking in the walk-in cooler at the bar you work in. Then you let ‘er rip. The cold slows down your hot fart molecules so they cloud into your fuck buddy's face. Laughs for everyone!

The Toaster Oven

As you're banging your ladyfriend in the sauna and you fart, she might immediately not notice since the hot room already smells like B.O., mildew, and gay sex. Then it will creep up on her and POW! Methane in the face!

The Microwave Oven

Well, I haven't tried this one yet, but I'm hoping it will come soon. You see, eventually Obama will fuck up even more (I know, it's going to be hard, but he's going to) and there's going to be an atom bomb dropping contest across the globe. So everybody is going to be living (and fucking) in nuclear bomb shelters. You're going to be riding your girl's pleasure box in a cement box and when you're done, release some farts and prepare to giggle your nuts off, because that fart fallout ain't going nowhere!

There's my gift to you, men of the world. Start setting your girl up for a night of romance and then give them a big old fart in the face. She'll love you forever for it. Or cheat on you when you're away, ask for money, go on a shopping spree with your credit card, and then dump you. Either or. At least you'll get the last laugh with all the shit molecules in her hair.

Can you fine gentlemen think of any more great variations of the Dutch Oven? I'm all ears! And farts!

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