Bro, did I just catch your eyes wandering down my naked body past my golden rippling chest and sneak a peek at my man vagina AKA my penis?

Bro, that shit ain't cool. That shit is real weak. Just because I'm standing up here in my birthday suit for all to see doesn't mean you're off the hook with the whole heterosexuality thing, and can just go all queer.

My dick ain't lookin' at you, so why are you looking at it?

Hey everyone, this guy's a major flamer! Wait, why are you guys all looking at my dick too? That good, huh? Oh, now you're looking away. WELL fu-huuuu-ck you.

This isn't the first time I've stood in a classroom without any clothes on, but I'm saving that tale for my book. Seriously, though, what kind of queer class is this? Art?

Wait. Wait wait WAIT. Are you guys fucking drawing my dick? What the fuck. What the fuck. Why do you all straight up have weird art utensils out and are painting pictures of my dick? Last time I checked, a dude drawing another dude's dick while the dude stands naked in front of him is GAY with a capital ‘Homo'.

Wow, since when do you need the color green to paint my dick? Hey, you in the beret, you're making my dick look ugly. Is that some Impressionist bullshit? Come on, guys, my dick has way more texture than you're giving it.

Come on, guys, this dick isn't going to stroke itself.

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.