Look asshole, not to sound racist, but I really don't like your people. Sure, your people were here first, but honestly, you're pretty gross and I'd rather never see you. But, this is the 21st century, we're supposed to be able to live together in harmony and shit.

So, gigantic spider, if you're going to live in my apartment with me rent-free: here's the deal…
I don't ever want to see you. I'll allow us only one run-in a week. Any more than that, and I might squish you.

 

(Hey, Asshole, you're to be neither seen nor heard. Now go away.)

I'm assuming since you live here, you'll eat bugs. I hate bugs more than I hate spiders, so go ahead and eat them. But if you start slacking off, I'm crushing you. Also, I don't want to see dead bug bodies laying around. I'm not your effing janitor.

I don't care how fucking long it took you to make, I'm tearing down all of your webs. Find another spot that I don't pay rent in.

Perhaps you want to complain about the loud music and parties…who am I kidding, I don't have friends, so none of that is going to happen. If you want to complain about me playing Diablo II for 12 hours at a time clothed only in boxers and a hooded sweatshirt, well, blow me and find another spot to live in.

I'm sure your thousands of babies are all little miracles in their own way, but I'm still going to step on them. Our agreement is for you, not your spawn.

Also, no other guests. I've seen that big motherfucker who lives close to hear. The spider that's as big as my hand. In no way is he or she ever allowed inside my apartment. I'm saving my old stinky running shoes to throw and smash that guy. And after the deed is done, I'm tossing those shoes in the garbage.

If one of my special ladyfriends is around, you'd better not be. Otherwise I'm going to make a big deal out of grabbing you and flushing you down the toilet.

Last of all, if you dare come into my bed or shoes, all bets are off. I will probably start you on fire.

There you go. If you don't like it, you know exactly where the door is, because I've seen you hide there. And make sure to keep your black ass out of my line of sight.

Sincerely,
kc

Addendum: If, by chance, you can bite me and give me special spider powers, that's totally cool. Go ahead and do it fast. If not, and you bite me, I will pulverize you.

Join comedy classes at The Second City: Standup Joke Writing starts Jan 25 and Writing Satire for the Internet starts Feb 29. Use code "PIC" for 10% off by phone.