Can I get everyone's attention please? (wait for silence) Thank you.

I'd like to thank all my friends for coming to my 37th birthday party! I realize turning 37 isn't really a big deal, but I still feel honored that you guys were able to join me.

It took me a long time to get everything organized here. I spent all night blowing up these colorful balloons. And if you haven't noticed yet, there are no more then 3 balloons of the same color. It's called ‘How To Rock a Birthday Party' and I wrote the fucking book people!

As you all know, this year for me was really tough: I got beat up twice; two seperate incidents but both involving teenagers “looking to have a good time.”

I was also fired from work. Just for the record, I did not sexually inappropriately touch Veronica and it is not fair that I am being sued for sexual harrassment. Why would a 37 year old manager make “sexual advances” towards his 17 year old employee? Anyways, that's the last time I work at McDonalds surrounded by a bunch of annoying zit faced employees. Except Tim of course, he's cool. We went to the Mariyln Manson concert together a few weeks back. Tim was the only one who couldn't make it tonight as he is recovering from surgery. He got this huge mole removed from his face.

Well enough of all that depressing news. As of today, this birthday boy is starting a new life!

Of course, this doesn't mean I'm giving up on you guys. As I look around the room I see a lot of friends who have been with me from the beginning….and there's a few I have to thank:

Max – You and I go way back. I'm sorry for all those years I kept you in a cardboard box upstairs in the attic, but I found you again, didn't I? Your fake fur is still as shiny as the day I first met you. And hey…you're lucky those plastic eyes of yours can't cry. Because I love you buddy.

C2-Techmate aka MY BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD! – Sorry about yesterday. I had no idea your batteries were running that low. But thank god for Radio Shack and look at you now!!

Black Ninja – You've been my bodyguard since day 1. And I know…you're an action figure not a doll. Hey, guess what? “ANd IIIIIII…..will always looooveee youuuuuu” Seriously, you'll always be my Kevin Costner.

And as for the rest of you. I know at times I've treated you guys like crap. Some of you I purposely dropped in the pool just to see if you'd float or sink. I know that was wrong of me. Some of you are missing limbs when I let off those firecrackers next to you in the backyard. And for that I apologize to you – But like I said I'm a new person now. So lets do this again and this time do it right!! What do you guys say?

NOW…. I know all of you are wondering who our special party guest is??

Yes, I spent a little extra on myself this year and… hired a clown!! So don't be shy and ask for a balloon animal. (turn to clown) So on that note, I think it's time to get this birthday party started!!!

(Cue music)

*Note to self: Put in the new Mariyln Manson CD you bought at the concert.