10. Cliff Lee doesn't actually have any friends. When pressed, he gets flustered and claims that "Mavis Beacon" is his best friend. Despite this, he still types with two fingers.

9. Cliff Lee once promised his children a new pet. On the appointed day, instead of visiting his local pet store or shelter, he changed the homepage on the family computer to icanhascheezburger.com. "It's like getting a cute new pet every day!" he told his disappointed children. This will still be the happiest day of their childhoods.

8. Cliff Lee TiVos The Jeff Dunham Show and Secret Girlfriend.

7. In his younger years, Cliff Lee stood around New York City accosting passersby and asking if they had "5 minutes for Greenpeace." He didn't need the money (there is no money), and he didn't give a fuck about Greenpeace (there is no Greenpeace): he just really like irritating the fuck out of New Yorkers.

6. Cliff Lee "doesn't get" the show It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Cliff Lee thinks the show has potential, if only they would just all be nice to each other.

5. Cliff Lee was born in Arkansas.

4. Cliff Lee regularly confuses Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins for first baseman Ryan Howard, and Ryan Howard for a janitor named Marcus. There is no janitor named Marcus.

3. Cliff Lee is going to be Michael Jackson for Halloween. So clever and so original! Oooh, what about the Joker? He can't go wrong, either way, Cliff Lee thinks.

2. Cliff Lee always orders dressing on the side at restaurants and then just dumps it all over the salad anyway. Well, if you were going to put it on the salad anyway, Cliff Lee, why get it on the side? Why?

1. Fuck Cliff Lee.

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.