Thank you for your interest in Terrence Nimble’s Authentic Fairytale Wedding Experience. We know you had at least three other choices, and we are very happy you have chosen to work with us. We have a variety of packages to help you enjoy your special day. Even the most modest of budgets can still have that authentic fairytale feel, where you can be treated like the prince or princess that you deserve. After all, as it says on the sign “You do not have to be royalty to be treated like royalty, or to pay us royally.”
The only real stipulation is that with all packages, you are responsible for providing your own wicked stepmother. An ex will do in a pinch.
The Old Crone Package
For our most modest fee, we will have an authentic Old Crone sitting in the back of your wedding venue, looking as out of place as possible and muttering curses under her breath. During the reception, she will wander the hall, joylessly placing curses on your most disruptive of relatives. After all, it’s tough for Uncle John to drink too much if he’s a frog, and Aunt Karen can’t judge your dress if locusts swarm whenever she speaks.
All of our Old Crones come with a certificate of authenticity, are at least 300 years old, and are available in various levels of crankiness from “embittered” to “enraged at an imagined slight.” Most curses are completely reversable.
Attractive-Looking Prince or Princess Bundle
This is for those looking for more adventure. This is a step below our Handsome Prince or Beautiful Princess Bundle, but contains the same experience. Right at the moment of your vows a Prince or Princess of moderate attractiveness will burst forth on the mythical beast of your choice, proclaiming their undying love for your future spouse and offering you to fight them off in front of your friends and family. You will be asked to provide your own enchanted weapon on this tier of the package, and due to the griffin shortage, they are not available.
While all of our Attractive Princes or Princesses will be putting up a “lesser” fight, honor does dictate that should they best you, they will take your place in the wedding. We do keep things authentic. While we cannot offer you a refund in such an event, we can offer you a 10% discount on an Old Crone Package for your next event.
The Fairy Collection
Our team of fairy retrieval experts will locally source as many fairies, wood nymphs, and sprites to frolic and dance during your reception, adding an air of whimsy to an already joyous occasion. Yes, why have a first dance on a dance floor when a few happy thoughts and a sprinkle of fairy dust can have you dancing on the ceiling as magical creatures light your way?
In an effort to bring you the most authentic Fairytale Wedding available, this tier provides you with authentic fairies. None of these “sprinkle some magic dust for happy thoughts” that you might see in the movies, and as a result some mayhem may occur. That’s the risk when dealing with authentically sourced fairies. There are some perks: pesky ring bearer won’t stop stealing the spotlight? Why, he might just end up being replaced with a changling child for some extra fun and confusion. It’s the experience that won’t stop giving.
Please refer to the part of our contract: “Terrence Nimble’s Authentic Fairytale Wedding Experience is not responsible for any lost or stolen children.”
The Full Dragon Experience
This is our most handsomely priced package. Why simply say “I do” when you can say “I defeat” as the dragon will lay siege to you and your guests for hours of fun? Our dragons are the most menacing on this side of the Enchanted Swamp, and breath only authentic fire. Any rumors you’ve heard about the need for fire-enhancing drugs were completely fabricated. However, due to some recent lawsuits brought forth by the Dragon’s Union we cannot provide any dragon smaller than three mushrooms nor larger than a standard castle.
All of our dragons are mostly harmless, aside from the fire. This package includes everything from the previous packages, because what good is a dragon attack without dancing fairies or your very own old crone providing commentary? We can provide weapons for the wedding party and caterers only, as dragons tend to have appetites. Other guests are, of course, more than welcome to bring their own weapons, provided said weapons haven’t been cursed.
Thank you again for your interest in Terrence Nimble’s Authentic Fairytale Wedding Experience. When you do make your choice, please write in the name of the wedding party, date of the event, and number of expected guests on the attached scroll, made from a dying oak tree in the furthest swamp in the Forest of Perpetual Annoyance. Please make sure you write with the provided raven feather included in your initial packet and attach it only to a white fox.
We will respond either prior to the next waxing moon or three to seven business days.
If you send us back your response by March 30th, you’ll receive a coupon for 40% off of our Oedipus Rex Mother’s Day Packages!