Families, loved ones, friends new and friends old, we come together today to celebrate and witness the love of these two beautiful souls, Allison Patricia Reardon and Michael Montgomery Clausthaler. I am honored to have been asked to officiate this union.

And before we begin, it may seem a little early for it, but does anybody object to this marriage? No? Alright.

Anybody who has spent any time with Allison and Michael knows just how deeply in love they are. Their friends tell me that even in their time apart the only thing on both of their minds is each other. Some might call it an obsession, but others, those of us here, might call it true love. Yes, they may be young, 22 and 25, but when you know, you know.

And for what it’s worth, that wasn’t the only chance for an objection, the one a moment ago. Later on, I’ll do the “speak now or forever hold your peace” thing. But while we’re on the subject you can speak now too.

No takers? I guess we’ll move on then. The tacit approval of those dear to us is a beautiful thing.

Relationships do not come with a roadmap. Some may take the scenic route, taking their time, experiencing what they can along the way. Others may try to get there as quickly as possible, driving through the night, pounding sugar-free Red Bull. Allison and Michael have not been together as long as some, they did not take the scenic route, but rather made a beeline for the destination they knew they needed to get to. Michael proposed to Allison on the Jumbotron at a Cardinals game on their first anniversary.

As an aside, I feel like I’ve implied that you can only object to this union when asked. I am totally fine with an objection at any point. Including right now. Just go ahead and raise your hand if you’d like. Ok nobody right now it looks like but if anyone changes their mind just pop that hand up and I’ll call on you.

They met on the Fourth of July. From what Allison’s Maid of Honor, Courtney, remembers of their meeting it was love at first sight. Michael’s Best Man tells me that in the car on the way there Michael was determined to “score” with “anyone who was down.” It was written in the stars that day on Lake Havasu. They first professed their love to each other that day in the small below-deck cabin of a mutual friend’s father’s boat, a shared love of Slightly Stoopid bringing them together.

I’d like to take back what I said a moment ago about the hand raising. No need to be so formal. Go ahead and just say it if you feel it. No need to be shy. Just shout it out, I have this all written down, I won’t lose my place or anything.

No matter how long their relationship has been, it has not been without its share of trials and tribulations. Like all couples, Allison and Michael have faced hardships, but faced them down together. Stronger as a result. From the time Michael cheated on Allison with one of his coworkers, to the time Allison cheated on Michael with one of her coworkers. From the time Michael cheated on Allison with an ex of his, or the time Allison cheated on Michael with that same coworker again. From the time Michael got 86’d from the restaurant Allison works at for showing up drunk and belligerent, to the time Allison lied about going to St. Barts with her girlfriends and instead went with that coworker. They have overcome all of these things without the help of the couple’s counselor so many insist they see.

Before we move on it would appear that Aunt Caroline has stepped out to use the facilities. I would suggest we all take a moment and talk amongst ourselves until she gets back.

I would be remiss if I didn’t give everyone their fair chance to object to this union. So please, let’s everybody turn to our neighbor, introduce yourself, and how about as a completely random icebreaker we all discuss whether or not there is a moral obligation to intervene in others’ personal lives when they are making a mistake.


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