When most men describe their dream woman, the description usually consists of: eyes like shiny buttons; hair that looks like you could pull it during sex, but you wouldn't want to because it's too perfect; skin as soft as one billion thread count sheets; breasts that are noticeable, but don't make it look like she's carrying medicine balls under each arm; an ass that makes other men stop and stare, even if they're blind; rock hard toned abs… WAIT! STOP RIGHT THERE!!

Okay, I'm all for a woman with a flat stomach (or not flat—muffin tops can be beautiful… to some people, not me), but this new trend of women wanting to have defined abs is unnatural. If a solid core was part of what I wanted in a sexual partner, I'd stalk Jason Statham. Have you seen those things? Like someone buried land mines under his skin.

Get off the treadmill for a little while and enjoy a nice milkshake.If a man has breasts (or moobs) it is deemed disgusting and aesthetically unpleasant. The same rule should be applied to women and abs. Ladies, if you have serious ab definition, you should be ashamed to take your shirt off at the beach. If you were painting a forest, you wouldn't put a cactus in the picture, right? What I'm saying is, oil and water don't mix. Like semen and maple syrup. That belly button piercing you thought would be cute isn't helping either. If I saw a picture of just your torso, I'd be like, "Oh, that guy has a belly button piercing. That's weird."

I saw a CrossFit competition on TV recently and the irony was that these washboard ab women actually had very beautiful faces. It was as if someone took the head off a Barbie doll and attached it an old Ultimate Warrior action figure. I couldn't take my eyes away from the screen. Not because I enjoyed watching it, but because my morbid curiosity wouldn't let me. It still wasn't as bad as female body builders, but I'm not going to comment on them out of pure fear.

Hot girl doing CrossFit on TV
I guess we can cross "fat" off the list.
I can only imagine what sex with one of these ab women must be like. A mixture of sexual arousal and fear, like making love to a beautiful person who just got out of prison. You know what other group of women tend to have abs? Homeless women! Because the food they eat, they have to fight other homeless people and stray dogs for it.

This ab trend must be stopped before women pick up more manly habits, like leaving their tiny hairs in the sink, or "forgetting" to wear deodorant, or hanging out in the gym. Female gym rats are sickening and should be ashamed of themselves. Get off the treadmill for a little while and enjoy a nice milkshake… but not too many. Keep it reasonable. (I should state that this article doesn't apply to lesbians or pre-op transsexuals, as they have made the full commitment to being as manly as possible. For this I applaud them. At least they chose a side.)

On the other side of the coin there are also men who participate in predominately feminine activities, like shaving their arms or legs, and getting mani/pedis. (I feel like less of a man just typing "mani/pedi.") We even went to the trouble of coming up with a name to classify them: metrosexuals. So I think women who sport Spartan-like stomachs should have their own name too: "agrisexuals."

In closing, if an otherwise beautiful straight woman who isn't a boxer or professional athlete has ridiculous abs or lats, and talks about how much she's been working them at the gym, it should be legal to punch her in the stomach.