Is there a God? Let's assume there is. If there is, He (or She) is pissed. Must be. Here's why…

Because we believe we deserve heaven just because we went to church once.

Because our children have children as soon as they hit puberty.

Because we "dis" Mother Nature, as in "discard, disembowel, disfigure, disasterize."

Because we have little compassion or patience for other drivers.

Because we have given up discipline and role modeling in favor of TV gaming.

Because we treat our elders and parents with derision.

Because we don't treat our own bodies with respect, believing the ludicrous notion that we will survive into middle age without a MASSIVE HEART ATTACK, although we're now eating supersized fries, 64-ounce colas, and 6-foot meatball subs.

Because once we make the kids, we let them loose on society while barely potty trained.

Because we think other people owe us a living.

Because we've forgotten whose birthday Christmas celebrates.

Because we'd rather receive than give (money, candy, head, tail).

Because we never take the blame for anything.

Because our first question is always, "What's in it for me?"

Because no-fault divorce has expanded into "no-fault crime."

Because we sue our neighbors at the drop of a hat.

Because we drop our hats often, like gauntlets.

Because we let those who should be sued escape to Dubai with bailout money.

Because we don't believe in absolute truth.

Because we feel no shame, except when we lose bets to bookies.

Because we'd like to kick little old ladies across the street, just to get them moving.

Because we don't teach our kids right and wrong, just not to get caught.

Because we think temptations should not be resisted.

Because we think abstinence or chastity is puritanical nonsense.

Because we allow pop culture to brainwash us into buying Halo for our toddlers.

Because the only book in the house which has a hollowed out center to hide valuables is also the only Bible in the house.

Because we'd rather be caught picking our noses than praying in a public place.

Because the only people we worship are sports gods and movie stars.

Because the only time we do pray aloud is to ask the "Santa God" for presents.

Because we think how we feel is more important than what we do.

Because we'd rather tell ten lies than one truth.

Because on Superbowl Sunday even the preacher stays home.

Because we equate discipline with abuse.

Because we think of sex as a Guinness Book sport.

Because we don't think what other people do affects our kid's bizarre behavior.

Because we vote our pocketbook, not our conscience.

Because we don't accept His free gift of salvation.

Because we believe in free lunch, instead.

Because we don't believe anyone goes to hell except lawyers.

Because we believe all things are relative—even our relatives.

Because we believe two wrongs make a right.

Because we believe in heaven on earth, if only for celebs.

Because we favor the wrong kind of line item veto:

"We hold these truths to be self evident, that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, Welfare and addictive substances."

"I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of the President of the United States, and will, to the best of my equivocation preserve, protect, and misinterpret the Constitution of the United States, so help me Big Bird."

"Give me puberty or give me death!"

"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for me and my family."

"America! America! May Obama thy gold refine, ‘til all success be in excess and every grain be mine."