By Mark Donald Quayle the Second

Ahh, the great questions only get asked every so often. It’s hard work being this badly wanted because basically everyone and their sister wants me. And in most cases I can catch their brothers taking peeks too.

How could I possibly say that everyone wants me? How could I possibly know that? Well folks, have I got something for you.

Recently, I conducted a little survey to find out how badly I am wanted. So I took this survey and I found that 100% of the people want me. I mean it’s basic math: I asked three people if they wanted me and all three said yes. That, my friend, is equal out to 100%. What? It doesn’t count because I didn’t ask enough people? That’s silly—3/3 is 1, just as 1,000,000/1,000,000 is. So they are equal to one another. It’s basic math, my friend, and math is logic, logic is generally regarded as knowledge, and it’s been proven that knowledge is power. Listen to G.I. Joe, he knows his shit.

Second, it’s been bestowed upon me by God to be this irresistible. How do I get off saying that God chose me specifically? Well, my name is Mark, and that is four letters. Do you know what else is four letters? Pope. And that man was chosen by God in all his Excellency. Now here’s some more math for you: If A=1 B=2 and so on, and you add up the letters to Pope you get 52. Now if you do the same thing to Mark you get 43. Now you take that 52, subtract it by 43, and you get nine. What could nine possibly have to do with any of this? Well, my friend, you just aren’t paying attention. God is three letters and three squared is nine. And a God squared has to be even more powerful then a normal God.

Goodness how did you not see this yourself before reading this? I mean it was all laying out there right in the open and I bet none of you saw this before I said it. People are so dense. So after all that, are you expecting more proof that everyone wants me?

Alright well if you insist… since you can’t see the signs already laid out there.

Now I'm not a tall man but I happen to be an appropriate 5’9”. Do you know what 5’9” is in inches? 69. Can you think of a more appropriate height for someone that everyone wants? I think not. Now not everyone wants to 69 at all which is weak indeed, but I can see that. However, because of all the aforementioned things taking place, when you see me you instantly have this desire to 69 this sexy hunk of man staring back at you.

Now do you still doubt this? It’s all right here for you. Well for those doubters out there, I weigh a beastly 150 pounds. 1 + 5 + 0 equals 6. Do you know what has 6 letters? Quayle. Which just so happens to be my last name, which correlates with everything else said.

Goodness, with all this brilliance where do I find the time to sit here and write this article instead of solving the world’s great mathematical problems? Well, with all this math I know the formula of time management. You see, while I'm sitting here making this up, no time is passing. Because of the brilliance of me I have developed a way to freeze time. Don’t believe me? That’s alright. I can always prove you wrong another day.