Christmas was invented by Jesus.

Jesus was born in a Staples.

Jesus was friends with the three wise guys, Frank, Ten Cent and Murr.

Jesus was born on a virgin. A virgin is a kind of a airplane. There was a pilot there called Punch Us.

Jesus died from our sins.

Every Christmas Jesus comes back from the dead but Father Ortiz said NO! NO! NO! JESUS IS NOT A ZOMBIE!!

Jesus is actually three people. One of them is called Santa Claus.

Jesus is really skinny but when he turns into Santa Claus he gets really fat. He is like the Hulk!

Santa is just a saint which means he is not a god but still has some super powers.

Santa lives at the North Pole and makes toys with Elvis.

You have to believe in Santa Claus or you don’t get toys.

You have to believe in Jesus or you don’t go to heaven.

If you believe in Jesus you float up to heaven after the Apocalypse. Father Ortiz said NO! NO! NO! NOT THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, THE APOCALYPSE! THEY ARE NOT THE SAME THING!

My goldfish Swimmy died and Jesus made him alive again, but his tail was darker and he looked very different. That is because Jesus has MYSTERIOUS WAYS. But NO! NO! NO! JESUS CANNOT BRING GRANDMA BACK!

People at my church eat crackers made out of Jesus. But NO! NO! NO! THEY ARE NOT ZOMBIES!!

Santa makes a list if you’re naughty or nice, and if you’re naughty you get a lump of cold.

Jesus makes a list if you’re naughty or nice and if you’re naughty YOU GET THROWN IN THE LAKE OF FIRE.

Santa has a big sleigh that is pulled by 12 reindeers. He gave each of them a cool name and some of those names are called Rudolph and Judas and Donder and Mifflin.

Santa slides down the chimney to get into your house which I guess is okay because that way you’ll know he is not a robber and your daddy won’t shoot him.

People at my church drink the blood of Jesus. But NO! NO! NO! THEY ARE NOT VAMPIRES!!

I saw Father Ortiz in his office drinking Jesus blood out of a big Jesus blood bottle. Father Ortiz says that is OUR SECRET. And NO! NO! NO! FATHER ORTIZ IS NOT A VAMPIRE!!

Santa wants you to have a Christmas tree so you can hang his balls on it.

My favorite ball is the ball where Santa says “Fleas on the Dog.”

My dog’s name is Funyuns.

Jesus has a little baby, Baby Jesus.

Baby Jesus cries all the time over every little thing. He is just like my baby sister. What a brat!

Santa knows when you are sleeping and knows when you are awake and if you sleep too late and miss the bus he tells Baby Jesus and Baby Jesus cries about that too. Ugh.

Santa goes to everyone's house in the whole world and gives them toys except he doesn't go to Jewish kids because they killed him when he was Jesus and he is still very mad at them.

Also Jesus hates Democrats.