By contributing writer Mike McGoldrick

Have you ever had the feeling that you just want to club the next person you see with a blunt object? Ever been within a heartbeat of pummeling a housemate over some minor quarrel? Or maybe you feel the need to cry but the tears just won’t come out? We all have our buttons, and at some point, idiots push them and we need to vent. Some people have diaries. For those of us who aren’t gay, or just pathetic, there is an alternative choice that most have never even thought of. What is this magical wonder of the psychological world? Video games.

Ever notice how the idiots you know who play video games all day are the most relaxed and laid back people in the world: nothing bothers them, their blood pressure resembles that of a calm river, and you could burn their favorite shoes in front of them and they’d just keep playing Xbox. The secret is pretty simple; video games are a student’s therapy.

But not just any video games. You have to be scientific about this stuff—specific games for specific moods, my friend. It would do no good to play hours of Final Fantasy if you’re irritated with your boyfriend/girlfriend, because, let’s face it, that game will make you think harder and eventually explode. A video game should coincide with your mood, like how a bouquet of flowers has a meaning depending on whatever expensive-ass colors you buy (goddamn flowers). So without further adieu, I give you the emotion-video game list.

Just like the 4th of July except you get to kill your friends instead of maiming them!

Mood: Sad
Game: RPG

The RPG game is short for Role Player Game. Basically, you take control of some piddly little character and exercise your right to do whatever the hell you want with him. If you’re in a sad mood, even depressed, these games are great. You can play for hours on end and forget all your troubles. Games like Diablo II, Warcraft, Age of Empires, and so on. The real fun in these games lies in the trouble you can get into with your little shit disturber. When playing a game like Empires, why not crush some insignificant little village or civilization for no reason? Or wage war against some neighbor because you want a better view of the coast? It’s pretty fun, in a pathetic sort of way. But hey, you’ll forget all about your troubles.

Mood: Pissed Off
Game: First-Person Shooter

This is a no brainer. The or first person shooter, or FPS, is the ultimate kill-em-all-ask-questions-if-you-run-out-of-ammo-later type of game. I highly recommend Counterstrike, Quake 2 or 3, Doom 3, and Unreal Tournament 2003. The insane gore, violence, language, and speed will expel all murderous tendencies within a half hour, leaving you free to rejoin society as a well balanced individual. This way, you can leave your sick and twisted side at the computer desk where it should be. Playing online with these games allows you to lay the smack down on poor, unsuspecting bitches in cyberspace who just wanted to go online to kill time at work, or between classes. Nobody knows anyone, and no one cares. Feel free to shoot them in the face.

Mood: Very Happy
Games: FPS, Strategy, Sports

Being in a good mood makes it harder to discern what games you would be best suited for. Some would prefer to keep shooting others, while some might want to play Rollercoaster Tycoon and overcharge some dumbass tourists. But most play sports games. Hockey, Football, Soccer, and Car racing games are the most common types, since you get to be whatever fantasy player or team you want and stack any team to win everything. EA sports makes some sweet ones, FIFA, NHL 2005, NASCAR, Golf, etc. are all pretty sweet. These games will keep you in a good mood for awhile, and are great ways to kill time between class, or study breaks, or until the beer gets there. Also, they’re easy. Repeat very easy games to play. In fact, Tiger Woods golf is so easy, a drunken 8 year old could get par on every hole without much trouble. Everyone should have at least one of these games in their collection.

Mood: Bored
Games: Pointless Time Killers

Everyone has been here. You’re sitting around, bored, either alone or with a friend, with hours to kill. Since no self-respecting student would crack open a book and learn if they didn’t have to, video games are the obvious choice. Probably the most popular time killer is the Tony Hawk series. There’s really no point to these games, but they’re tricky and time consuming. You can even start contests with your friends to kill more time and create some fun (if you’re so inclined). Also, there are the sports games with team options. Most hockey, football, and soccer games allow you to play in some kind of dynasty mode where you trade players, build a team, play all the regular season and playoff games, and so on. This is a great way to kill a whole day if you have to.

In short, we students need our video games. They keep us sane and balanced, which keeps us from committing more felonies and petty crimes than we normally should. It should be the duty of every decent parent to buy their budding young academic a game system or a good computer for this exact purpose. Otherwise, the terrorists win. AND YOU DON’T WANT THE TERRORISTS TO WIN DO YOU?