Class: Zumba Back to Election Day!
OK, let’s start with some basic moves. Step front, step back. Step back again, like back in time! Keep going, back to 2016! Before the election! Like it never happened!
Class: Throwback Thursday Aerobics!
Remember when we didn’t like George W. Bush because we thought he was a warmonger and lacked gravitas? Those were the days! So, let’s put on some hip-hop and do leg lifts like it’s 2002! Feel the burn. Not #feelthebern. Because really, are the Bernie Bros happy now? Sorry. I’ll stay focused. And lift, lift!
Class: Kickboxing with/at the Cabinet Appointees!
Did you check out that list of names? Let’s do some kickboxing! Knee to the groin. Now a jab in the face! So many rich white men! And jab! JAB!
Class: Stronger Together Step Workout
Using our steps, we’re going up and down. Step up and down. Now up and stay up! Stay up! Don’t back down! We won’t back down! No, we, the progressives won't back down. Not you. You are the ones backing down. I’m the one who's not backing down. Is that clear? Stop singing, damn it! (Noted after class: this one didn’t go as planned.)
Class: Pussy Hat BodyPump
Step and touch; and step and touch. Now step but don’t touch. Step but don’t touch! Listen to the MC Hammer track: you can’t touch this! Seriously, you can’t touch this. How many times must I say it? Don’t touch. And keep not touching.
Class: Working Out with Very Fine People on Both Sides.
Really? Both sides? I’m playing Cee Lo Green’s “Fuck You” on repeat. This is bullshit.
Class: Searching for Collusion Calisthenics
Using our step, we’re going up and over. Step up and over. And over, and over. Over every piece of evidence! There must be something. Russian money-laundering? Russian bribes? Russian caviar? Keep going over, there's something.
Class: Body Building a Case for Obstruction of Justice
Wave your hands in the air! Wave left, wave right, like you’re calling for help! Please help! Help, Mueller, help! We were hoping for an impeachable offense, but we’ll take whatever you’ve got!
Class: Morning Tweet Cardio Storm
He’s at it again. Just lie down all class. Is it too early for vodka in my water bottle?
Class: Breakdancing for the Tax Bill That Gives a Break to Private Jet Owners
Ok, let’s spin around. Turn, turn, like we’re going to turn things around and not just give more money to the rich. Turn like a big revolution! But it’s not going to happen, is it? There’s not going to be a revolution. Stop turning. I feel queasy.
Class: The Little Rocket Man Booty Blast
Do a squat, a little lower, like a crouch. Cover your head with your hands. Tight like a ball. Ignore the warning of incoming missiles! Don’t look at the bright flash of light! And while you’re here, take inventory of how much bottled water and canned food you have. Living in a fallout shelter wouldn’t be so bad, would it?
Class: The Death of Hope
Lie on the mat. Think about three more years of this. Start sobbing while we listen to the theme from “Game of Thrones.”