By staff writer Scott Goodyer

Is having “school spirit” important while being a student? I honestly don’t know and I've asked many people this question. The first guy I asked got pissed off and slurred his words at me. But that was entirely my fault; I should always assume that homeless people never went to school. The second person I asked was a cheerleader. Again, I couldn't get a straight answer out of her because all she could scream about was letting her out of the cage (she should just be lucky my cellar doesn’t smell). So I decided it was time for me to find out on my own.

I figured the first thing I should do is get involved with something. So I picked up the school newspaper and read that there was going to be a drug free awareness rally on campus in two days. All students were invited. This seemed like a good first step towards finding out the truth.

The day of the rally came and I showed up ready to go! Over 200 students were also in attendance and since I arrived a bit late, I ended up at the back. Unfortunately, I was having a hard time understanding what was going on for two reasons. One, the guest speaker (who I think was a cop) was tough to see because of all the weed smoke in the air. And two, after about ten minutes of being there, I was so stoned out of my mind I forgot who I was.

Does school spirit come in an orange truck or perhaps with drugs and a little luck?

I arrived back at my house frustrated. I needed to talk with more people about school spirit. Then the phone rang. It was my dad. Hmm, my dad had gone to college…I could ask him! But before I could get to the question he had hung up on me. Note to self: Unintentionally raising your voice while talking about how “fucking cool it would be if I was a ninja” will weird some people out.

The next day I woke up with a fresh attitude. I was motivated by a new idea: maybe I should actually go to class. Playing the role of a student by sitting in a classroom and learning about stuff could be part of this whole school spirit thing.

Wanting so badly to find out, I packed my school bag and headed out the front door. This is where my second chance at finding out the importance of school spirit kind of falls apart. You see, just before I left the house, my landlord came over and we chewed some ‘shrooms. So I didn’t quite make it to class. In fact, the only thing I remember after the visit with my landlord was walking out of the front door and chanting a fight song I once heard during a college basketball game. According to the police statement, apparently I was gone for two days and found sitting in a park feeding small pebbles to disgruntled pigeons wearing nothing but a mesh tank top.

After I got back, my interest in finding school spirit eventually ran out. But as I sit here now (a few days later) and write this while smoking a fatty, I come to the conclusion that I shouldn’t have had to go OUT and look for school spirit, I should have looked WITHIN me. The fact that I was interested in finding out the truth shows that I had already possessed it. It was like I was a star and the earth was the school. My light that shines from me onto the earth was bright, but I couldn’t tell. Only the people on earth can tell. And when you finally die out and your light dies then shit will hit the fan man…OH GOD, SHIT WILL HIT THE FAN!

*This update has been brought to you by The Truth, “Connecting harmful products with ambiguously negative propaganda.”