Before summer removes her rattan espadrilles and slips into a cozy pair of L.L. Bean thermal socks, there’s one final hurdle to horah over: the Labor Day weekend wedding. If you don’t want to waste the last long weekend of summer making small talk with someone’s unwashed uncle over the deafening roar of “Uptown Funk,” there’s no better excuse than your own timely untimely death.
Here are some of the best picturesque locales at which to plausibly kick the bucket. No matter what your role in the wedding, we’ve got a plan for you so you don’t have to partake in anyone’s nuptials—not even your own.
For the Maid of Honor: Cliff, Marry, Chuck Yourself
Escape the city and your dreaded speech via a one-way trip to Mohunk! This beautiful ledge in the Shawangunk Mountains is the perfect place for a vigorous gale to toss your body like a bridal bouquet into the eager arms of the raging river below. To pull off the ruse, hook your David’s Bridal dress on one of the striated rocks protruding from the cliffside. Make sure it really snags and tears. That way even if you’re found out, you don’t ever have to wear it.
For the Officiant: A Priest Walks Into a Barn
Legend has it that in 1842 at this haunted barn nestled deep in the primeval forest of Romania, an entire wedding party was murdered following an interminable, epically boring ceremony. Getting snuffed out before the cocktail hour has left them with unfinished business; their spirits have been hovering by the rafters ever since. Leave a pile of toenail clippings, a chapstick, and your empty DivaCup among the dusty debris. Any search party sent to obtain your RSVP will assume the phantasms left only these inedible scraps after drinking your blood like a vodka-cranberry and feasting on your limbs like gigantic, fleshy cocktail weenies.
For the Distant Relative: Eiffel Tower Zoom Background of Doom
Virtual weddings present a convenient last-minute option for the busy college student—especially if you can invent a disastrous semester abroad that just happens to coincide with your cousin Ben’s ceremony live-stream on Twitch. Appear on screen wearing a beret and nibbling a baguette.* When the ceremony starts, type into the chat that you’re perched atop the iconic building to get a stronger wifi signal. Next, turn your screen off, your microphone on, and drop a sack of flour onto a snare drum while doing your best impression of a crowd of pigeons scattering. (Note: Make sure your parents don’t tell anyone that you’ve been in their basement the entire time.) Your relatives will be glad you had one last youthful adventure, even if you missed the vows.
*A stale Olive Garden breadstick
For the Groom: Mount Rush-morbid
There’s no better setting for a bachelor-party-turned-tragic-accident alibi than Gutzon Burglum’s chiseled love letter to the patriarchy. Smash some bottles of bitter Campari on the hallowed ground beneath the statues to conjure the smell of debauchery and the aesthetic of a femoral artery hemorrhage. It’ll totally look like our forefathers came alive to party with you on your last night as a singleton. It’s so them to take things just a little too far! Nail a plaque to the monument stating that your body is entombed below, having died doing what you loved: getting fucked up with statues. Don’t forget to sprinkle confectioner’s sugar in Lincoln’s left nostril and draw a dick-and-balls on Roosevelt’s cheek for added “old rich white guys gone wild” vibes.
For the Mother-in-law: The Most Infectious Place on Earth
Don’t miss a magical chance to connect with your inner child at Disney World while getting out of the rehearsal dinner you were voluntold to host. Send the bride a live selfie of your face, maskless and coughing in a giant teacup, and she’ll assume the rest. Just be careful to not actually die.
There’s only a few weeks to go until the Big Day, so start preparing for your spectacular “I don’t!” ASAP! Sure, it’s a bit sad that you’ll have to sever all ties so you’re not found out. But just keep in mind that where you’re going, you won’t have to hear the Black Eyed Peas ever again.