By staff writer Et Nola, featuring Tom Carmack

Dear Readers,

Advice columns have been a mainstay of papers and magazines since Steve Guttenberg invented the printing press over a dozen years or so ago. As rife with comedic potential as these columns can be, I’ve avoided the impulse to perpetuate the clear lack of innovative writing formats. Screw that now.

Like the cap on your yuppie Zima bottles, I require my advice columns to have a twist. Here it is: every other week or so I will answer a blend of questions from around the globe, yet I will also have a guest PIC staffer/contributing writer/hobo address the questions as well. Somewhere amidst the blather you may find some sound advice. This is not a guarantee. This week’s contributing writer (and the man who compiled the questions) is Tom McCormack. Note his subtle blend of humorous herbs and spices. Tom’s responses come first, followed by my own in red. I’ve masked (most) of the names to protect the inane. Hope you enjoy.

Dear Points in Case,

Sometimes when I get back to the dorm late, and I've been drinking, I like to watch re-runs of Frasier, does this make me gay?

Sincerely,
Drinking in the Closet

Dear Drinking,

Contrary to what your fraternity brothers may be telling you, there are no activities that will make you gay. However, certain patterns of behavior can be a sign that you are a repressed homosexual. What makes me think this is the case is not that you watch Frasier, but the obvious anxiety you have about this activity and your sexuality in general.

On the other hand, I think there’s more than you’re telling us, Jim. For instance, do you find yourself grasping for a dictionary or perhaps a self-warming lube whenever Frasier says something particularly witty? Do you often fantasize about Kelsey Grammer’s expansive vocabulary or maybe his collection of ass-less chaps?

 
Dear Points in Case,

My roommate won't stop having sex with her boyfriend when I'm in the room. I don't want to say anything so I just leave. This has been happening constantly and it is beginning to affect my grades.

Sincerely,
The Involuntary Voyeur

Dear Involuntary Voyeur,

As a first course of action you should remove all condoms from the room. This way, when your roommate and her boyfriend start getting busy, they will realize they have no condoms and have to go buy more, at which point you can barricade yourself inside your room. Another option is to seduce your roommate’s boyfriend and then tell her about it, though this may do more harm than good. I would strongly recommend talking to your roommate, be subtle and say something to this effect; “Hey, have you ever tried screwing outdoors? It's really fun and I hear that everyone who's not fat does it all the time.”

First off, I’d like to commend you for bravely stepping forward with this issue. Every year, millions of collegians gasp in horror as their roommates’ sex lives kill their GPAs. I suspect it’s due to the streams of ejaculate clogging printers or staining freshly-typed research papers. That’s what always pissed my roommate off. I recommend you have a “sit down” with your roommate to discuss proper cleansing methods. Just as no one wants to sleep in the wet spot, your roommate should understand how difficult it can be to work in one as well.

 
Dear Points in Case,

My girlfriend is not cool with oral sex, giving or receiving. I really love her and want to be with her but I don't know if I can do without blowjobs.

Sincerely,
The Unblown Unknown

Dear Unblown,

Boy, this is a tough problem. If we think about it long and hard we can see that you have two options: deal with it or find a new girlfriend.

If I’ve learned anything from Christmas, it’s that giving children explosives is a messy way to curb overpopulation. Many women believe that oral sex is an equally messy means of the same goal. You should explain to your girlfriend how that simply isn’t the case and that good oral hygiene is recommended by the American Dental Association. If that doesn’t work, subtly replace her usual snacks with a variety of phallic foods and images until she is mesmerized into submission. I recommend popsicles, frozen yogurt (deport anyone who calls it “fro-yo”), and assorted fruits. Hey, it could work. Otherwise, talk with her about what makes her uncomfortable and keep in mind she may never be interested.

 
Dear Points in Case,

I like to smoke weed but my girlfriend likes to get drunk.

Sincerely,
Stoned-sober

Dear Stoned,

Good for you guys. In the future, don't write us letters when you're stoned.

It seems we have a crisis here, Rob. Fear not though, the final solution lies just beneath your drug-addled, hazy eyes: Make a beer bong. Consider it the best of both worlds. It’s cheaper than buying an ounce, yet you can both get blitzed together. Not into beer? Don’t worry. With your drunken girlfriend on the loose, you won’t have to worry about her being your problem for very long. Chances are you’ll be too stoned to notice she’s found someone else, and she’ll be too drunk to care. Congrats. Everyone is a loser.

 
Dear Points in Case,

When I sleep with my boyfriend, it's like he becomes a completely different person. His voice changes and he sounds weird and he says things that he'd never say normally. Also, I swear to god he gets taller.

Sincerely,
Stranger in my Bed

Dear Stranger,

It's possible that you are simply not used to the way that people might act during sex. Remember, the way that someone behaves during an ordinary day, might not be how they behave during sex. I would recommend talking to him about what you're feeling. You shouldn't do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, but I do want to tell that “letting loose” and letting yourself indulge a world of fantasy during sex may be satisfying. I must say that your comment about him getting taller worries me. On second thought, have you considered the possibility that you are actually sleeping with one of his friends, this is not uncommon for women your age.

You’re right. Your boyfriend does undergo a transformation during sex. The question is whether he is here to protect us or destroy us. Check his chest for the unmistakable symbol of the Decepticons. Also, ask him to fast forward to the future to find out whether the Transformers movie is going to suck or not.

Oh, you’re legitimately concerned? Um, what can I say? Your boyfriend has watched too many movies, is a latent schizophrenic, takes hallucinogenic narcotics while you mount his Flex Armstrong-like physique, etc. For love of the game, calm down the crazy, Laura. Chances are you simply need to communicate your “sexpectations” to your boyfriend. Is he too talkative? Is he not talkative enough? Do you have a “safe word?” Take some initiative and bring up the subject outside of the bedroom. Also, it’s common for a guy’s feet to appear longer when erect.

 
Dear Points in Case,

My boyfriend insists on watching TV while I go down on him, but he gets offended if I read while he goes down on me. He says that reading is “more involved” than watching TV. It's driving me crazy, what should I tell him?

Sincerely,
Down With Literacy

Dear Down,

Have you asked him how he would feel about you listening to a book on tape? After all, he could hardly say that a book on tape requires more attention that the television. Unless, of course, he is talking about the quality of the different activities and claiming that television requires less attention because the programming is so offensively insipid. If that is the case, he is probably right and there is simply nothing I can tell you.

You should tell him to be thankful he’s getting blown while the tube is on. Mind if I call your boyfriend “Chuckles?” You do? Hell if I care. Listen, Chuckles. I won’t knock the good thing you’ve got going, but what the hell is your problem? Have you any idea of the penises in third-world countries that go un-sucked each day? As my father (aka “Uncle Mailman”) would always say, don’t upset the mouth that blows you.

But honestly, Diane: your boyfriend isn’t properly articulating the prevalent male gripe to women reading during our muff-diving expedition. Most males would oppose your reading because we like your attention to be focused on our snorkeling. For those who habitually explore the Great Vaginal Reefs, it’s important to know you appreciate the effort. For those who only dive on special occasions, it’s still pretty damn important to know you appreciate the effort.

Women often bitch about guys looking at them during a blowjob, so the practice of diversionary glances/activities has become quite popular among guys. Maybe you can lend him a scrunchie or let him braid your hair. Maybe you can both agree to lay back and allow the other to blow off some steam.

 
Dear Points in Case,

When it's warm out I like to get ice cream. My favorite flavor is Cherry Vanilla. Does that make me gay?

Sincerely,
Tutti Frutti (But Not in a Gay Way)

Dear Frutti,

You people are really tiring me out. For the last time, you can't be made gay, things might simply illustrate to everyone that you are gay. In this case, I would not say that ordering Cherry Vanilla ice cream is a signal that you're gay, it's a good, tasty flavor.

Yes, Brian. It makes you gay (gay as a hot pink jock strap, gay as show tune ringtones, gay as a homophobic advice question from a closet-case…).

 
Dear Points in Case,

What's with all these bitches talking their mouths at motherfuckers like whoa and don't they know I beat they ass.

Sincerely,
The Bobinator

Dear Bobinator,

I have no idea what you just said. I can only assume that it was misogynistic, and possibly racist, in which case I'm going to have to tell you not to write to me, or anyone else, any more. Also, I would strongly advise against the use of nicknames, maybe you are being ironic, but I doubt it.

Palabra. I’ve often said the same thing, only less articulate.

Remember, folks: only you can sacrifice questions before our altar of ridicule. Otherwise, we’ll have to just make them up. So send in your questions for our ambivalent staff of unqualified sociologists and malcontents. We promise to make you smile or perhaps make you cry. We rarely decide in advance. Check out The Scholarly Tabloid for the latest edition of “Point and Counterpointless.” Next week’s guest writer is PIC editor Court Sullivan.

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