1. Replace each dirty dish with one of Modern Library's "100 Best Novels."

2. Change the Wi-Fi password to a new verse of the Sermon on the Mount every day. Repeat until they have memorized it. Then move on to the Book of Job.

3. Place "Just Voted" stickers over upper left and lower third of television to obscure sports scores.

4. Make cute anthropomorphic cups with poignant thought bubbles:

  • "A peer-reviewed 1987 study at Princeton University concluded that I can hold non-alcoholic beverages too!"

5. Flawlessly paste New Yorker articles in their Craft Beer of the Month newsletters.  

Do the dishes sink reminder on paper

6. Extract, mush up, and display roommate's cerebellum to show him what TV does to his brain.

7. Fill their bong with organic pesto. Place Aunt Cheryl's Pesto di Noce recipe nearby. Include footnotes explaining "boiling" and alternate definitions of "pot" and "bowl."

8. Don their clothing and conduct interviews with local Subway. Work their shifts and deposit paychecks.

9. Learn Android programming. Program app. Download app onto their phones. Store in "Education" folder for low visibility. Add malicious code so app cannot be deleted. App plays Right Said Fred's debut album every 68 minutes until roommates graduate with an above 3.2 GPA.

10. Extensively consume methamphetamines. Allow roommates to nurse you back to health to rekindle their self-worth.

11. Slowly acclimate roommates to higher-than-FDA-regulation levels of selenium. Soon they will develop painful skin lesions. Calmly explain to them how showering eliminates these pus-filled abscesses. Decrease selenium once they habitually shower twice daily.

12. Shred carbon monoxide detector recall notices for months until the unthinkable occurs. As fumes overpower their hungover bodies, don gas mask and leave note, "Sleep in all the time, will you? Well, sleep forever now!!" Then, before it's too late, anonymously call ambulance to neighbor's house.

See new PIC posts via Twitter or Facebook.

Sign up for satire writing or improv classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.