Hi there. I've recently been asked to endorse Pert Plus shampoo to you, the Pointsincase.com reader. Unfortunately, I was also told immediately afterwards not to endorse them as soon as I pitched my contest column idea for "The Pert Plus Crystal Meth and Napalm Challenge."

Industry Leader Faces of Meth woman on drugs
Studies show that 9 out of 10 meth cooks prefer Pert Plus over Head and Shoulders.

We never got much further than the name. That and the fact that I would be listing several (probably) fake recipes for drugs and explosives featuring Pert Plus as the primary ingredient. They didn't seem to think that was the best move for their public advertising campaign. Corporate types are finicky that way.

Did You Know Long chest hair
Drinking Pert Plus has been scientifically proven to put hair on your chest. Long, silky, luxurious hair.

So while this isn't technically an ad for Pert Plus Shampoo, just know that it almost was. You could have won a shampoo prize package. They never actually told us everything that was in it, but I'm guessing there was shampoo involved, and possibly a shirt that said Pert Plus. Maybe some ink pens and stickers. That's right. Stickers. Stickers that said Pert Plus. You could have won them. You could have put them on your car.

Mystical Origins Coven of witches around a glowing pot
Pert Plus was invented in 1836 by a coven of witches looking for the ultimate in hair care products. Some say the Plus part was taken from a glowing meteorite found in an enchanted forest.

And since this isn't actually an ad (because apparently my comedy is too edgy and/or weird for The Man), I guess it's gonna have to be a parody. And that means it's going to be filled with outlandish lies and ridiculous claims that do not portray Pert Plus accurately in the slightest. You hear that, Pert Plus? We could have been laughing with you, not at you. Suit yourself.

Secret Ingredient Lion crying tears in a zoo
The tears of lions. But only the ones with the most beautiful manes.

And granted, I'm not quite sure how I would have actually gone about making up rules and judging a contest called "The Pert Plus Crystal Meth and Napalm Challenge," I'm sure I would have come up with something. Maybe funny home videos of people overdosing and/or exploding as a result of their homemade Pert Plus drug-bombs. But once again, corporate types don't generally go for that sort of thing. In fact, anything involving drug-bombs is usually going to encounter some resistance.

Fact Dog getting shampoo treatment
Pert Plus has never been tested on animals; they use it by choice because it's just that good.

And to be fair, the Pert Plus representative who emailed the editor of PIC actually liked the idea of The Pert Plus Crystal Meth and Napalm Challenge…but not as much as he liked not getting fired. So he declined.

Shampoo Around the Globe Chinese embalming fluid on a dead man
In China, Pert Plus is used as an embalming fluid. It gives bodies a remarkable luster, and cleanses evil spirits. In Egypt, they use it to shine the pyramids. In Indonesia, they use Pert Plus as currency.

And now we'll never know what hidden treasures were locked away inside the Pert Plus prize package. A brush? A hat? A visor? A mouse pad? Refrigerator magnets? A coffee cup? A stuffed elephant? Who knows?

Shampoo Urban Legends Cobra snakes as a woman's hair
Using Pert Plus six times a day for six hundred and sixty-six days in a row will cause your hair to turn into cobras, each of which will have a silky sheen and full head of tangle-free, easy-to-manage hair on its head. From this moment on, your hair will brush itself.

Maybe it came with hundreds of little hotel-sized bottles of shampoo. You could sell them on the street for fifty cents a pop. Well that's fine, because we can just steal those from hotels. And our editor has personally offered to take up a neighborhood collection of half empty bottles of Pert Plus to be donated in support of this not-officially-endorsed fake contest. So we just might have a prize package after all.

Shampoo Throughout the Ages Shampoo as Roman sexual lube
Long before Pert Plus, Pert Regular was being used by the ancient Romans as a sexual lubricant. This is why they were renowned for their silky soft pubic hair and animal-like stamina and prowess. Epic poems have been written of its glory. Pert Plus is even better.

So here's the contest:

Write a skit, monologue, poem or essay of any length in the comment section of this article concerning the fantastic mythical properties and legends of Pert Plus, and why Mike Lamb should be paid one million dollars for his viral marketing tactics**. Anyone may enter, but only people with registered accounts on this website are eligible for hypothetical prize packages which may or may not exist.

Try It and See Jennifer Love Hewitt with scratches and blood on her face
If you put a bottle of Pert Plus Shampoo in a bear trap for more than 5 minutes, you will catch Jennifer Love Hewitt. This has been known to work anywhere on the planet.

We will also accept posted links to drawings, videos, webcam rants, and memes uploaded to a video or image hosting site. If you have any dumb questions, please leave them below so that we may publicly mock you with sarcasm.

Dream Wash Genie who grants wishes
Odds of finding a wish-granting magic genie in a bottle of Pert Plus: 1 in 20.

So good luck! And remember, use Pert Plus! It cures cancer.

Pert Plus cancer awareness 

*This is one of those lies I warned you about.

**Legal disclaimer: All claims regarding Pert Plus are intended as parody only and are not paid for or endorsed by the makers of Pert Plus. Any and all jokes contained within this article are the intellectual property of Mike Lamb and Pointsincase.com. Any attempt by the makers of Pert Plus to incorporate ideas taken directly from this article into current or future ad campaigns without financial compensation will result in a lawsuit. This also includes advertising slogans and promotional ideas presented within the comment section of this article. All anonymous unregistered posts are considered copyrighted by this website and its editor(s). You had your chance, Pert Plus. No free rides.